Hello,
I am writing to update my progress since I joined this site on March 12th. That was the day I started a quick taper and have been sober since (with a disastrous relapse on April 15).
Sigh.
It has been really, really, really difficult in every way imaginable. I really cranked up the drinking in the few months before I decided to be abstinent. The main, consistent progress I have made has been that I no longer find drunk bloopers humorous anymore. I broke a toilet the day of my relapse. Not broke as in clogged it -- I literally broke it. At the time, I had a fairly nonchalant attitude (while being wracked with intense guilt) about the toilet episode. It has been a month and a half since then and I seriously have trouble believing I committed porcelain-icide or that I found any humor whatsoever in it. I cannot believe it, because like all drunk escapades, I don't remember it. That makes me pretty sad.
What makes me feel even sadder was the realization that I am going through severe PAWS symptoms now and I still have a long way to go before I am out of the woods. I sat in my car one day running errands, waiting for a changing traffic light when I realized I forgot where I was going because I spaced out. Ten seconds later, I remembered my destination. It was then that it hit me that I have been drinking regularly for half of my life.
I realize that my memory is going haywire since my neurons are finally getting a chance to reach their full potential. A few days ago, I came out of a severe PTSD episode with vivid flashbacks and nightmares. It was so difficult, I was afraid I might kill myself in my sleep.
Today my husband left a bottle of wine in the fridge - the AV went nuts.
Good Sense said, 'Dump it out now.'
AV said, 'Ask husband first if it is okay.
Good Sense said, 'What the hell? You don't need permission.'
AV said, 'You could just drink it and nobody would now.'
Good Sense said, 'Nope. You're impulsive. Use that part of your personality to dump it out now. Right now.'
AV was literally counting down the fractions of the bottle remaining in slow motion as Good Sense dumped it. 'Three quarters, five eighths, one half, one third...(you could stop now and drink just a third. That won't get you drunk)...one quarter. Really?'
'Nope.'
I have read other people describe this internal interchange and said it felt like telling a child,
no, you can't have candy, but nice try. I never felt that when I was dealing with the AV until just an hour ago. It was not going to win the argument; it just wasn't going to happen. I have had a lot of practice lately with this type of interchange when I go to the grocery store.
There are these little wine bottles near the deli that have these wide-mouth, screw-off lids that are sold in singles. Seriously, they are visual porn for an alcoholic. Just one,
right?Every time I go to the store, I know I will have to deal with that temptation. Yesterday, I was walking in the store and the AV was planning to go by the mini bottles -- just to look. It was then that I, and not Good Sense said, 'Do you remember your first trip to the grocery store during the first week of sobriety?' That was weird. I had been staying home for months on end, avoiding food and people that I forgot where to find beans, or olives or soup. I hadn't been anywhere in such a long time that the fluorescent lights were blinding and I felt like a person who just came out of the Congo to a foreign and sterile place.
So, it has been little victories and nothing more. However, I am grateful for those moments -- and mostly for this online community. Thanks for letting me rant.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
