Originally Posted by
freshstart57 
Kafkaesque, things got much simpler and easier for me when I accepted that I would get urges to drink once in a while, and that it really didn't matter any more what form those thoughts took, it was not going to matter a rat's pitoot to my sobriety. I decided that no matter how happy or sad I might become, my drinking days were over as of that last drink. For ever. I decided 'forever' because I wanted the life I could have only if I never took another drink. I made it either/or, black/white. By doing it like this, there was going to be no arguing, or bargaining, or white knuckling, or will power. The question of 'Will I drink again' gets the answer 'don't even bother asking because I refuse to hear it'. I have already decided what the answer is, and what the answer will always be. I am never going to drink again and I am not ever going to change my decision. Bang! Done. I stopped being afraid of my addictive voice, dreading it, allowing myself to become uncomfortable because of it. I did this by accepting it. That's what it does because that's what it is. And accepting the existence of what is makes life a lot more enjoyable. Less acid stomach if you know what I mean. Believe in yourself, Kafkaesque. Believe you deserve this. Believe you will succeed. And recognize that any thought to the contrary as coming from the same place as an urge to drink, because those thoughts of inadequacy or inability or unworthiness will lead back to drinking just as surely as that romanticized glass of cabernet, single malt or craft brew. Those thoughts are from the past, from a time when you took the advice of that AV just so you could feel that rush of deep pleasure as the buzz started. The drive to again feel that pleasure is misplaced, because, for me at least, drinking became about anxiety and depresson and sadness and shame and guilt. That pleasurable feeling is simply gone and never to be had again. That is what is. You got this, I feel it, Kafkaesque. You will succeed. So - here is the $64,000 question: Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?
FreshStart, first of all thank you for everything you said. I noticed in your tag line you've used AVRT and I really think I'm going to look into that this weekend. I've had it recommended to me in the past but I've just always thought that it's one more thing to add to my infinitely growing to do list. But it sounds like you've really accepted your sobriety and conquered your AV and on top of all of that, found peace with it all! I want that.
You know when your ex broke up with you and for weeks and months (and for some possibly years) you have this loneliness and you're aching for them each morning and throughout the day? And then eventually it lessens to maybe only once a day. And then one morning you wake up feeling happy and LIBERATED like finally you have been rid of that anchor? That's how you sound about alcohol. I want that. I want that more than anything in the world. And what you've said makes a lot of sense. I've been trying to do other things when the AV creeps up, such as reading or running or posting on SR. It all helps and I deal with the urges rather than pushing them away but it's almost like sometimes I can taste that vodka tonic just looking at someone else's. And I know the AV is a dirty liar. My alcoholism made me truly unhappy, my marriage was a wreck (little did I know or care at the time), my health was deteriorating, I mean I know that feeling of regret the morning after blowing months of sobriety. I refuse to ever feel like that again.
But sometimes I wish I knew a trick to my brain... A way to accept alcohol is out. I know it's not an option I've created a barrier in my mind almost like a teenager has the physical inability to purchase alcohol that's how i think about it. But the unwanted and distorted nostalgia over the drinking days... I want to accept that they were awful and there is no happiness there and that my life without truly is better. This might sound dumb but it's that I know my life is better and I am happier now that I'm sober but some tiny part of me still doubts that. I think maybe I just need more time?
How long did it take you to truly accept your new life?