Good morning all,
Well today we start day fifty one. Traffic is getting worse. I am not sure what is going on any more on the roads. Well, to the business end.
Physically I am fine. I slept well. I did not have interrupted sleep at all. I am still waking before the alarm clock, but that is no train smash. I did have a headache this morning. It comes and it goes. The intensity is not as bad as before. This is one of the last symptoms I have left and it sure is taking its time to go. I will be patient.
Mentally I am good. I did battle a little to focus yesterday. My mind wants to wander all over the place. It has become a battle to force it to focus on where I want it to focus. I find that the only way to calm it at the moment is to keep busy with something physical.
Emotionally I am ok. I am stable. That is something. I am not sure that the emotional turmoil that I am experiencing is due to recovery from the booze, but will continue to note it.
Well, I am sitting here looking down out over the city centre. The sun is not up yet, it is only starting to poke it's face over the horizon. The sky is clear, but there is a little smog on the skyline.
It is at moments like this that I get to reflect over the past while and to make an accounting of where I am at. In summary, I am in a way better place than where I was fifty one days ago. Was it hard for me? No. Of course there were and still are moments when the AV jumps on my shoulder. But other than the first week, there was never a physical anguish or turmoil where I needed to drink. It is very unlike stopping smoking where the craving is physical. This has been more of a mental battle. I think I am starting to understand why they say alcoholism is a mental disease. I still have a lot to learn about this.
I initially started out to detox for twenty one days. When I reached that stage, I didn't know if I could control the drink, so I just continued to abstain. Sounds easy right - well yes and no, I am just like a sheep and so I carried on.
Not much thinking there. I then reached day fifty and took stock. Could I control the drink now? The answer I am afraid to say is still no. It is in my face, never mind deep down inside. If I take that first drink - I will drink to the point of oblivion. And I can promise you, I will drink the next day to get rid of the hangover. So if that is the answer at this stage, I will continue to abstain. Will that answer ever change? I don't know, but I doubt it.
How do I know this? Well it is pretty easy. The old timers have warned us before - we will be back to where we started in no time at all. I am different, you say? Well maybe you are. I prefer to just take the evidence at face value. Go and read the relapse posts that have happened recently. I don't think it took very long for those people to get right back into the swing of things. In fact, most were drinking as much or more on the first day already. That is more than enough proof for me.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB