Thanks peoples!
Well, it's the after part that feels bad!! The drinking, it still feels good. But the after lasts a lot longer....
Do I want to be sober more than I love to drink? Umm.....hmm.....this is why I feel I'm screwed. It doesn't always feel like it. I want to be sober very badly, but I also feel so incredibly good when I drink that it seems to overpower everything else. But the true me, it definitely wants sobriety.
I know that it will get worse. In fact, this relapse, it seems to be spiralling quickly....I basically would love to just have a drink in me at all times. And I probably would, if I could. And so that scares me. I want to control it, but then it's like the cravings take over and change my mind. It's really hard for me to not do something that feels good, because in the FUTURE it will feel bad.... my brain isn't very good at connecting those two things together. It's like that with food and sweets and other things. I know something isn't good, and bad things can happen LATER if I do these things now.... but in the moment, all I can think of is NOW. Ugh.
But. I will try. I just made myself a huge hot cocoa drink with whipped cream on top. Maybe I'll even have another!! And there was a really beautiful sunset outside. So I tried to enjoy that. Thank you so much people for talking to me... I feel like I'm being so annoying right now..... but really, today has been a really scary and lonely day.
So thanks.