19cps92

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums. I, myself, am not suffering from an addiction, but I need some help. I should say a little about my life:

I am 22 years old, born in 1992. As far back as I can remember, my mother had always been an alcoholic and on top of that, an abuser of opiate drugs. From what my father has told me, she also drank and used drugs while pregnant with me. I have no known side-effects from that. When I was 3 years old, my mother was nearly sent to prison for forging prescriptions and illegally obtaining drugs. Thankfully, they only gave her probation. After that she began a methadone maintenance program while continuing to drink. Some time around the age of 11 or 12 she somehow got a prescription for xanax from a doctor. From that time until I was about 16 every night would be huge fights between her and my dad. She would be so tranquilized that she would black out mid sentence and could barely walk straight. There were many visits to the ER because she would fall and injure herself. I would try and tell her that it hurt me that she did this to herself and every time she would get EXTREMELY emotional and cry and accuse me of not loving her. This hurt me sooo horribly inside that I had many nights of contemplating suicide and crying alone in my bed. My father was rarely around, he tried to avoid us as much as possible. All of my childhood I was a loner. I rarely talked to people in school, never had girlfriends, never had friends. In high school I would be so sad some days that I just never went. I ran into problems with truancy eventually. But I finally made it to graduation and got my diploma. My mother did not attend my graduation. I could see that it hurt her deeply that she didn't come, so I lied to her and said it was no big deal, but it was a huge deal to me. Near the end of high school her alcoholism and xanax usage became severe (and methadone, but that was controlled by the clinic). One night I woke up to my mother screaming and crying. She wouldn't respond to anything I had to say. I called the ambulance. In the meantime I kept trying to talk to her but she would not respond. And then she just fell back. No sound coming from her at all. I tried to do CPR and after what felt like 30 minutes, she opened her eyes and started screaming again. The ambulance finally got there and took care of her from then. This would go on for several months of her in and out of the emergency room from overdose. The doctors told her that her liver function was very low and it wasn't filtering the alcohol and benzos efficiently. Finally, by the grace of God, she got sober after a particularly violent episode as described above. She has been sober ever since.
Having said that, something is off about me. I am so very happy that she is sober, would give my life to keep it that way, but I have some issues myself. I have EXTREME anxiety, especially social anxiety. Sometimes I skip college courses because I am too afraid to sit in a classroom with other people. I am mortified to go to any public place like the grocery store. I can barely speak when talking to a stranger. Moreover, my self esteem is almost non-existent. I feel inferior to EVERYONE. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I am extremely lonely, I have never been on a date with anyone. I am extremely paranoid about things. Especially my mother's sobriety. Over my lifetime, she has tried to sober up, but relapsed. What makes it worse is that she would hide it from me. I would tell her that her pupils are dilated and she is speaking funny and things of that nature, but she would blame it on the methadone. Almost every second the only thing I think about is her relapsing. I feel like I need to see a psychiatrist, but I have no insurance and I live with my parents still. I do not want to hurt my mother by telling her I am going to a shrink. I don't know what to do. My quality of life is very poor. I rarely leave the house, have ended my college education indefinitely, and cannot get a job because of my insecurities. I just don't know what to do. I feel if my mother ever finds out that I am seeking help about this that she would relapse. She relapsed before because of emotional stress. I don't know if I can ever handle another relapse. When she was drinking the feeling I had on a daily basis was....for lack of a better word...evil. I felt numb, no emotion ever. I would cry, but it wouldn't be because I was sad. I don't really know how to describe it. I don't think I can handle that again. Any suggestions would really help.