Thanks - maybe I should focus on being more positive.
As for what I'm doing... I just finished an outpatient program. I have a new therapist, because my old one of three years is ill....that in itself is affecting me a LOT. I don't even know if she is coming back.... but I try to remember all the little random things she said here and there, and it helps a bit.
I have a TON of stuff that I can do to work through this. DBT/CBT stuff, stuff from the outpatient program that I took three times, therapy stuff, books, self-soothing, writing, walking, spirituality, etc.....
It's just that, I've never felt this way. Maybe once or twice, but not to this degree. This actual....addiction feeling. I'm terrified. Someone mentioned putting off the drinking for a few days. Well, that's how I know I have a problem. I don't get money for 7 or 8 days more....I try to tell myself I can drink then, but I can't wait. I feel this craving all over my body, and I feel like I need it, and it scares me.
But I also feel like I never got to that level of getting drunk everyday....my addiction wants me to get there, then hit rock bottom, then quit because then I've atleast had my fill of drinking. Messed up, right??!?
I know the longer I go, the harder it will be....
In fact, I made it almost 5 months. Well, almost 4 months, then was in hospital on drugs....then it was just before 5 months that I drank (because my pain pills ran out). So now.... I guess I'm relapsing....doing that thing I never wanted to do.
I mean, in the past, since last April, I had kept quitting for 30 odd days, then the last time it got to 50, then more and more....then that was my 4 or 5 month long streak! Until the hospital times.
Anyway. This is scary. And I already drank the beer. In like 4 minutes. I'm a terrible person. I don't know what to do. Email my friend? I should be in rehab, really................ but I don't know. Ok we'll see. Sorry for rambling.