Sparkledust

Maybe I can't do this..... this was supposed to be my first day sober. Yesterday. I found a very small amount of alcohol in my mini fridge upstairs. It was probably only about three shots of different drinks (I had siphoned off little bits of different alcohols from the bottles in the cabinet - not mine - open to sharing, but only in small, occasional situations! Within reason!) so....I had a travel mug with little bits of random stuff.

I mixed it with gingerale and drank it as fast as I good. And I felt good. And I've never felt such a wonderful blissful feeling....maybe only lasted half hour to hour, but mildly... now my mind is having a really, really hard time!!!

How could that be my last time! I'm not ready! But my addiction wants me to never feel ready.....but I don't actually feel ready!! I want one more last time with wine!! Haha...you know....addictive mind is syaing "buy that magnum of your favourite, and drink it and feel damn good like in the old days"

And it's so hard to argue with!! I KNOW the negative consequences...or the possible negative consequences, anyway. But at this point I feel like it's not actually a big deal. Like it's not ruining my life or anything. It's just wine. And it's not everyday. So why not???

So all day today, was hell. I swear I can still feel alcohol in me, all tingly and warm and I want it sooooooooo baaaaaaaaaadly that I keep crying. And I don't have my regular therapist who was trained in all the issues that I have - so I feel so lost!

This is soooooooooooo hard!!!!!!!!!! And I feel scared. And ambivalent. And don't know if I can do it. Don't know if I want to quit. Don't know if I can - atleast not now. I feel this craving so badly, that I keep trying to think of ways that I can steal more alcohol without getting caught (from the shared house). I just don't want too many things to be gone. All I can probably afford to take is 1 beer, and even then, I'd feel anxious all the time afterward........

This f***ing sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!