Good evening all,
It is the end of day forty six for me and the start of another sober weekend. It is very windy and cold outside. Not nice at all. Business first.
Physically I am good. I am a little tired. It is good to have the work week behind me. I hope to get a good nights sleep in. My sleep has improved since those early days, but I am waiting in anticipation for a full night without waking. It has been so long and I have forgotten what it feels like. My headache did not come back today. My coffee intake is down to three cups per day. I ate well, beef curry for lunch and mac & cheese for dinner. I am drinking lots of water so I think all this helps.
Mentally I am a bit down. My mind is just not up to thinking at the moment. I think I need a night off. Maybe I should just put on some mindless movie and set the sleep to kick in. I suppose this ties in with the emotional aspect.
Emotionally it was an ok day, well until I got home. Most of the day was stable, but it went pear from when I got home. The L from HALT really stepped up a notch today. I think in part it had to do with a post that I read and commented on. It seems that a lot of people are relapsing lately. I suppose that this gets me down a bit.
The recurring pattern with these relapses seems to be this. Get pissed, get on SR, announce to the world that you're drinking and then get clever. I guess I forgot how witty and wise we become when we do drink. I think that in writing this down I have pretty much found what triggered me today. Anger? Frustration? Yes. Why? I am not sure. Sometimes I think that we should call it as it is. Why do we have to be so nice to the person sitting on the other end flaunting this in our faces? Is it human nature that we cannot ignore the drunkenness and feel that we can help someone who is pissed and not interested in what is being said at that moment? I suppose that the sad part is that I can see exactly how I was through these events. There was no convincing me to sleep it off. I had all the answers and I had to convince everybody I was right. The more I drank - the more right I was. The more anyone argued - the more I would argue. Sad, but true.
Well, I have had my rant. I hope the weekend is going to go well. I have the blasted builders in again tomorrow. I am hoping against all hope that they actually finish tomorrow. They need to get done before I can get the cupboard fitters in. I am starting to get impatient with this process now and cannot wait to see what is in my minds eye in reality.
I plan on working on the book this weekend. I have quite a few things that I still need to fill in. The good thing is that the EB has not pulled the framework to pieces. I guess she will do that when she has the meat.
A positive thing though. I went to lunch with a colleague today. He is not a drinker. We went back to the same pub as earlier in the week. They make really good food. My colleague had a TAB and I had a NA beer. We had a great meal and left. I did not feel anxious at all. It just goes to show - a lot of has got to do with the company you are with.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB