Hey guy's. Well then you must be bored. Self flagellation, that's the one. I'm brutal for it, even when things would appear to be going well in life. It's one of my biggest problems historically. To answer your question, and I didn't have to think about it- I'm reacting to being judged. Not just here, IRL as well. Because based on what? I have kept my true feelings well hidden and things that went on secret for all of my life so it's not that. Testimonies from other people? Both my parents are known manipulative and dangerous liars, my mother in the extreme now towards me but both would do anything to paint themselves in a more positive light or as a victims of some kind (while at the same time accepting no responsibility for their own vast litany of failures) which is the very same thing I have been resisting. My long term ex partner? A compulsive liar by her own admission, definitely narcisstic and again in the cold light of day would say anything to make herself appear superior/absolved- this has been proven beyond a doubt and was one of the biggest shocks in my life. My so called best mate from school? I've always been loyal to him, and he has always regarded me as his last and only hope when **** hits the fan, which he has relied on me for many times. However, unfortunately we are not the same. He is a crook of the highest order tbh, I'm not. It's true that he was trying to help me along at one point, but only with a view to profiting from it (is that any help really). He has always viewed me as his main competitor in many regards (all regards), and once I stopped talking to him after he cut me out of a load of legitimate business ideas that I conceptualized, I can say with certainty that he has been on a mission to blacken me at all costs because I know that is his MO.
It is anything to gain an edge or to seek vengeance with him. And no loyalty. Other mates I had when I was younger all ended up ,I hate to say jealous of me somewhat because I was with all of the pretty girls somehow. I was considered the best dj out of us and we were all into that. I did well in school sometimes. I got on easily with people from other towns and older folks. I had nice clothes and the best equipment (on a par with people from better backgrounds than me) because I always worked part time jobs and was able to command a good (adult) wage. All of that stuff was self determination by me despite all the challenges I was facing. But anyway, it seemed to be more about competition with them, always trying to cut me out of dj gigs and other transactions. I was very much aware and unhappy about it at the time. So now I regret all that stuff. I regret ever being good at anything. I regret having an open and dependable personality that people gravitated towards because it seems to have caused me more harm than good in the long run. Which is sad, because all of those are positive traits. A lesson I have learned many times over in my life now is that nobody ever, not once, has afforded me the same kind of loyalty that they have depended on me for in return. Many times! Friends and family, which is why i don't believe in either anymore. It's why I have been desperately searching for something in life that is based on those principles, wether it exists or not I do not know. (loyalty and trust, things that I have always held in highest regard but)
Anyway, I've said a lot. It's the same thing since- the doctors were judging me on my age, the pretty girlfriend factor, and probably my dress sense rather than what I was saying to them repeatedly (depressed/suicidal) up to a point. That situation with my rent supplement after I lost my job, where I spent 3 out of 4 years in an apartment fighting and appealing it while staving the landlord off on a daily basis, not knowing wether I was going to be homeless or not the following week but trying to learn meditation at the same time to get along with my ex. Let alone work through my problems, I had a toddler there every weekend and during the week, trying to hide my whearbouts from my crazy father and stuff like that. No peace. The reason they gave on paper then was that 'I didn't satisfy the conditions of being a citizen'. I.e, they thought I wasn't living there or in the country even. Guess why? Because that office was right across the road from me, and as I was isolating myself and hardly ever left the house (I was depressed, and trying to learn about meditation as I was instructed to and other spiritual principles)and they hardly ever seen me about, the woman came to her conclusion that I mustn't be living there. Hence, 3 years of stress on top of my own life because of a baseless assumption, conclusion and judgement that she arrived at. It's the same point again. So from the clothes I wear (which has always been my main MO, to dress smart as a means to feeling better about myself) to the music I listen to (my main passion in life), to what I should or maybe could be doing and basically anything and everything apart from the vercissitudes of my own existence, it's all judgements (man). Ok so, that's that then. It wasn't a fun exercise but. Happy Friday, namaste.