Originally Posted by thomas11

My wife is leaving to California for 10 days on the 20th of this month. I have to stay home and run my business. The last time she left me alone, was 2 winters ago and I tried my hardest to kill myself with alcohol. It was horrible and it changed my life. I do not want to repeat that. But left alone to my own vices I am not sure I can 100% guarantee I will be ok. I can say with 90% confidence I should be fine. But that's not 100. I will likely be "noisy" on this site during those 10 days. I have to. I cannot have another episode like I did in winter of 2013.

Originally Posted by EndGameNYC

Some thoughts...Without criticizing or making accusations. Given your current state, it may help to think about what may be going on from another perspective. I'm on intimate terms with alcoholic thinking, as are many others here, and I'm motivated to share with you what I know.

The timing of your intense cravings was no accident. It's clear that you're already anticipating your wife's being away within the context of being uncertain of whether or not you'll drink during that time, and you may not be able to wait another ten days to start. Uncertainty has its cost, particularly when picking up the drink has been our go-to solution when we're unsure of ourselves.

"Getting away with" drinking seems to be a large part of your MO. When no one's around, when your wife's asleep...What's missing from your current plan to stay sober? And what plans have you made to stay sober while your wife's away? It's a good thing that you reached out on SR before you drank, but many people have done the same with devastating results, a kind of setting up their relapse by issuing a public warning in advance...Code for something along the lines of, "See? I told you I was going to drink!"

You want to drink. You made this clear in your thread. Call it the AV or anything else that makes sense to you but, ultimately, it's you, me and anyone else who picks up the drink who is/are responsible for what we do. Claiming that "The AV was too strong" or that "I'm too weak/not ready/caved in" or any other rationalization is not enough. If I acted on every destructive impulse I've had, I'd likely be dead or in prison. Alternatively, if I surrendered to the idea that "I'm too weak" or "not ready" to do the things that give my life meaning, if I ran away from life's challenges out of fear, I'd be a miserable mess of a human being with nothing to show for the time I've spent on this planet.

Your cravings have apparently passed. There is no better time to start building a plan that will help keep you safe for the rest of today and down the line.