Originally Posted by
MarathonMan 
Day 39 today. Went to a lunch time meeting today and spoke for one of the first times. A chap came over to me at the end and asked if I wanted a temporary sponser to start working the steps. I said no and thanked him for the offer...to be honest ive no idea how you "work the steps" when you dont really believe some of the main points....i dont believe im powerless as I have the power to stop and have and I dont believe in god. I know people say its not religeous but 5 of the steps refer to "him" "god" or "prayer". im really trying with AA and really enjoy the time with people I dont have to hide myself and my defects from, but I must admit after tonight I feel like a bit of a failure and pretty deflated. I want to give my all to sobriety but cant get on board with AA like people say I need to and I feel if I force it on myself it might do more harm than good.
On a better note ive just come in from a 10 mile run which I completed in 68 mins. The runners among us will know just how good a long, fast run like that feels.
I can relate about what you say about the meetings. I had/have some conflicting feelings. I said I would try AA about a month ago for the following reasons : a bunch of people in the same room with the same objectives, to not isolate myself, to meet non drinkers....
The god thing I was willing to not get caught up too much in it...ok god as you see him...I've read Eckhart Tolle....I get the concept. But I does seem very religious....HIM and God written all over the place....but it's how you see him right? I just don't understand why they can't admit just say it's religious....I mean they say that serenity prayer....is that not coming from a religion? I found the holding hands thing while saying that prayer a bit creepy too. I read a few people say that weirded them out at the beginner but then...they got used to it...(indoctrined?) Anyway, the god part didn't bother me to much....just amusing that they say it has nothing to do with god....more a higher power.....didn't the twelve steps come from the Oxford religous groups? it seems a lot of posters say they were agnostic when they joined but now they believe in god.....is this the true goal I wonder? Converts?
At the last meeting a lot of people were mentioning "illness" and "being sick", statements such as "I'm not like normal people, i'm sick..". "this is an illness", and I felt it didn't sit right with me because I felt fantastic in that moment....I was exercising, eating right etc so the sickness thing felt "off", although I can freely accept the term "alcoholic", If I put this poison in my...I will probably continue......addiction, yes. sickness? Seems odd. I thought I would share that....and I had zero intention of debating....I genuinely thought I was being honest that it felt a little strange.....but I was then chastised by an old timer "you do realise that this is an illness, don't you?" "you do realise this programme is based on that, don't you?" Really dogmatic.....like an angry preacher. I didn't go back. Nobody rang to see why.....so I suppose the support is an illusion...
The conflict is I'm still thinking of trying it, but I have one or two doubts. It would be with another group...but I'm not sure.
Again, I like the fact of meetings with a bunch of people with the same goals, but I think where I am living....this is the only option in town.
By the way, 68 minutes for a ten mile training run is incredible!!!!!!!!!!!
Somebody said "add in speed work"!! I hope that was tongue in cheek!!