Hi and thanks for the comment. But we are on totally different wavelengths, and some of your assertions are way off somehow so I have to reply
Originally Posted by
EndGameNYC 
From what I can see, you've come to a place in your life where you don't care anymore, where you've lost sight of what life can be for you. It's as though you believe that if you stay perfectly still, everything will get better. The only thing you seem to care about (and I'm not sure that this is caring at all), is your conflicts with the "people who've triggered you." It takes balls to care, since taking the risk to care means that we now have something to lose. Is there nothing else in life that you're afraid of losing besides your apparently self-destructive fight?
It's true that I have no idea of what life can be now. I'm not gonna lie about that, or anything else here. You said yourself in another thread (paraphrasing) we can begin to heal when we are honest about what has caused us pain, and only then. Which I wanted to actually ask you about but I didn't want to appear rude in someone else's thread. I have lost a lost a lot man. All relationships, wether helpful or not. My life savings/pension fund I payed into, not cool. All my worldly possessions and the like.
Do I care about about anything? You seem to think I don't, a lad on the other page said I care too much. I don't actually know. What I do know, it's not true that the only thing I care about is 'people who trigger', or situations, or stress in general but thats what this thread was about.There were lots of other situations too in my life I couldn't handle and drank/self medicated the stress and sometimes to oblivion. I'm unlikely unique in that. I have other threads too, and I make contributions in all the sub forums. I am totally new here to recovery in any form.
Originally Posted by
EndGameNYC Instead, you rage against your family, the mother of your child, the legal system and the community at large. As Dee puts it (and I'm paraphrasing here), you're so busy strangling all these monsters -- keeping your hands around their throats -- that you've neglected your own growth, your own need for love, both giving and receiving, and your own sense of purpose in life beyond exacting revenge upon those who've victimized you.
This bit is I'm sorry to say almost all completely untrue. I don't think you have ever commented on one of my comments concerning my family situation, I'm opening up about it here for the very first time. I could have opted to do that +15 years ago but I didn't, I chose to save face for my parents.To protect the guilty if you will and I am sorry now I didn't. It was likely a huge opportunity for growth missed. You do not know my family history man. A lot went on (and still does) and I spent most of my life helping to maintain the false image out of loyalty, but I am not going to do that here. The police even said they had to break my parents apart or someone was going to be murdered with certainty. (what they meant was either my father was going to kill my mother. Or me. Or I was going to kill my father according to them). All I know is that I was still a kid at the time.
I never once raged about the mothers of my kids I believe, if you are referring to the 'rage guy' clip then look again (it was supposed to be slightly humorous also, the clip that is).I never raged against the legal system. I think what I said was, its the first time I have ever tried to access that system. I was coaxed into it by family friends and acquaintances, I know many people who have been through the same thing. It was supposed to be straightforward but it wasn't, and I feel completely demoralized and disenfranchised by the process.It is true that I am neglecting my own growth, but thats been happening for the better part of 20 year's. Although I have always fought for it also. Maybe I'm just not fighting for it anymore? I need to figure this out.
Last but not least: Nowhere not once, in over a thousand posts have I said or even slightly alluded to 'exacting revenge' on anyone. Man wtf? It's like you are casting me in the lead role of that film 'Minority Report' with those type of comments. A movie I have not seen, yet I do think of the reference sometimes. The local cops know I'm a pacifist (remember what I said earlier) and yet I should not have to explain myself for things that never happened or weren't even said I feel :/ Even still if I did elect to say 'I am raging about x & y', that's a common term here which means annoyed or unhappy. And still again, this is the internet not IRL although I would not even troll on a recovery site
Originally Posted by
EndGameNYC You gotta start somewhere, man. Life continues to fly by, with seemingly increasing acceleration, even when we're not doing a whole lot. What will life be for you if you're in the same position as you are now, five, ten or even just one year from now?
Among the most heartbreaking moments in my life -- and I've learned to also be grateful that I've had them -- is when working with people approaching, in or past middle age who can then only weep that they threw away their lives in favor of nurturing some resentment, had grown to be too fearful, and ultimately bitter, to even consider that things such as peace of mind, love and meaning in life were at all possible for them, or who had indulged their anxiety, depression or obsessions so willfully that they only recently discovered that all they were doing was keeping the living of their own lives at a "safe" (tolerable) distance.
I got no joy or pleasure from writing my comments. I have no stake in your misery. There are many other things I could have attended to with my time. As many have commented, only you can make a difference in your own life. But as long as you continue to use those who've victimized you as the point of reference in your life, and continue to convince yourself about what you do not know and what you cannot do, then I don't get where you're going with all this.
I agree with most everything you said here except for the last bit. I don't know where I'm going either. I'm just trying to relate my experiences in life as honestly as I can, something I am particularly bad at. I'm here for help and support, it's a new thing for me. I take it you mean 'Faith hope and happiness' when you say I'm convincing myself about what I do not know. Actually, it's the title of a song but of course I know what they mean. If you would have asked me for a definition though 10 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to give you anything solid. I have been trying to find out what they mean, I have been trying to learn about that. Let alone how to live by them. The way I was raised there was no spirituality whatsoever, feelings didn't exist and anything like that was rubbished. There was no family life or even bonding. There was a good facade is all.At the best of times it was oppressive and quite nasty but most of the time it was 24/7 psychological and emotional torture according to some professionals. I'm not well versed in any of the things I mentioned, they practically did not exist to me up until a few years ago (the other 3 are from also btw).
I do not really know what I can or cannot do, I'm tentatively trying to learn about that here too. I have been so wrong and foolish along the way. Thought I was on the right path a few times,I was totally wrong. I have a distinct habit and pattern of saying almost the exact opposite of what I mean at times and usually when it matters most (drink related). I think it has something to do with suppressing my feelings. I'm working on this, I'm examining my life on here in so many different ways I never even knew about and I would not be able to do this IRL even now (sober). I'm scared of any genuine connection with people for the most part.I have been mostly caning it for near 20 years and copying other people in nearly all aspects. Increasingly acting on a whim and blocking out any negative vibes or feels with alcohol along the way. This sober craic is completely new to me. I knew well it wasn't going to be great.I'm trying to learn something here, however it comes across I dunno but it's not rage. Your comment I think is what kept me awake last night. Just lying there, confused with no real train of thought. Well anyway look, thanks. But please, stop judging me.