I talked to you before a few times and am not gonna repeat those things, but want to tell you about something I've recently gotten into, also because it follows up on some of the suggestions on this thread. I have a friend that I thought I knew quite well -- it turns out it was far from the truth. We are traveling and spending a lot of time together now, and he shared with me many of his "secrets" and things from his past. He had very similar childhood experiences to those that you describe with your mother, and then the classic pattern of attracting other people into his life that were similarly abusive and manipulative, and treated him badly. He married two of those when he was very young and had a kid with the second wife. She apparently abused their child in a quite similar way that my friend experienced with his mother, but the kid grew up with her because she had a new husband so that he could have a "family". The mother really tried to "program" the kid against his father, and my friend suffered from this greatly at times, but grew into accepting the situation he could not change. The son is now an adult, 24 year old, and unfortunately they never developed much of a relationship due to the mother's manipulations.
My friend was a very lonely and depressive child and a haunted youth, looking for "compensation" for his lost childhood everywhere, but initially finding only more of the same. Living in isolation, not doing much with his life, angry, anxious, sad all the time. So the great turning point in his life was when he decided that either he will most likely live his whole life in misery and isolation, or will do something to turn it over drastically. So what he did was going back to school at 30, and while he did not plan it that way originally, he ended in an MD-PhD program, and he eventually decided to become a psychiatrist. The school was a very challenging few years for him since he had to pay child care and manage living in NYC, but pulled through it by working whatever jobs he could get in parallel. He completed his residency when he was in his early 40's. Also participated in years of psychotherapy to help him deal with his old issues more effectively. He's now 53 and has a great career and a meaningful, fulfilling life. I never knew him as the sad, desperate person he apparently was in his youth, just as the remarkable, successful human being he now is... so learning all this stuff was a surprise even for me, being typically quite good at figuring people out. I asked him to tell me in simple words, what made that great change in his life and perspective when he was younger. What you you think?
Finding purpose. Getting into things (the school was a big one) that he felt fulfilling for their own sake, that gave his days meaning, no matter what challenges he had to endure and recover from. He now lives his life by this code: never lets himself cling to the past in thought and feelings long. Always tries to look ahead and find newer purpose and inspiration, and it helps him cope even when he periodically gets haunted by the past and by mood issues. It works. Yes he has a history of broken relationships and mostly lack of connection with his son, but he is mostly a happy man with a lot to be grateful for.
I guess it must be easy for you to see why I am sharing this. You are an intelligent, creative person with deep feelings, Strat, who could have a lot to enjoy in life, and offer back to the world... but would need to somehow snap out of this stagnation and circles. I believe that the tone of all your challenges and past hurts would also change drastically if you found inspiring things to live for in the everyday, something for yourself, something that gives you joy, something a little selfish, with the primary purpose of making you fulfilled, and not letting other people in the way. I am quite certain that all your problems would suddenly weigh much less and would be easier to cope with, both emotionally and practically. Could probably find much more positive and suitable relationships also if you had a "base" of purpose and inspiration in all affairs.
You see all this talk here about creating and living a meaningful life -- it's true, my friend! But you need to make it happen, because unfortunately no one else can do it for you.