EndGameNYC

From what I can see, you've come to a place in your life where you don't care anymore, where you've lost sight of what life can be for you. It's as though you believe that if you stay perfectly still, everything will get better. The only thing you seem to care about (and I'm not sure that this is caring at all), is your conflicts with the "people who've triggered you." It takes balls to care, since taking the risk to care means that we now have something to lose. Is there nothing else in life that you're afraid of losing besides your apparently self-destructive fight?

Instead, you rage against your family, the mother of your child, the legal system and the community at large. As Dee puts it (and I'm paraphrasing here), you're so busy strangling all these monsters -- keeping your hands around their throats -- that you've neglected your own growth, your own need for love, both giving and receiving, and your own sense of purpose in life beyond exacting revenge upon those who've victimized you.

You've stubbornly placed your life on hold, waiting for a final judgment, for justice to be served, ignoring the fact that in your passively aggressive battle (which is now also against yourself), you handed down a life sentence for yourself without much life at all. Like a child threatening to hold his breath unless and until he gets what he wants.

You gotta start somewhere, man. Life continues to fly by, with seemingly increasing acceleration, even when we're not doing a whole lot. What will life be for you if you're in the same position as you are now, five, ten or even just one year from now?

Among the most heartbreaking moments in my life -- and I've learned to also be grateful that I've had them -- is when working with people approaching, in or past middle age who can then only weep that they threw away their lives in favor of nurturing some resentment, had grown to be too fearful, and ultimately bitter, to even consider that things such as peace of mind, love and meaning in life were at all possible for them, or who had indulged their anxiety, depression or obsessions so willfully that they only recently discovered that all they were doing was keeping the living of their own lives at a "safe" (tolerable) distance.

I got no joy or pleasure from writing my comments. I have no stake in your misery. There are many other things I could have attended to with my time. As many have commented, only you can make a difference in your own life. But as long as you continue to use those who've victimized you as the point of reference in your life, and continue to convince yourself about what you do not know and what you cannot do, then I don't get where you're going with all this.