Originally Posted by
Eliasson 
Like there are two separate me's. The one who wants desperately to live a fulfilling sober life, and the one who is terrified of that and of life without alcohol and tells me I can't do it anyway so I might as well keep numbing myself and coping the only way I've ever known how to cope until I finally just die.
One's you. The other is your addiction. Recovery is all about listening to the first, and coping with the other without resorting to drinking.
Your obsession with alcohol and fear of living without it is heartbreaking. We all had it, all of us who drank. Those of us who are successful in our recovery made it past the fear. So can you.
I can tell you, nothing is more freeing than to be living without the constant thought of alcohol and drinking. But the only way to get there is to remain sober long enough for the miracle to happen.
And if SR isn't enough to get there, find a program/method/plan that will get you and keep you sober.