Spacegoat

Sounds like a really interesting program of rehabilitation you were on.

Ha, made me laugh too when you said about attending therapy with idea's of becoming a therapist at the same time.

That reminds me of when I was in rehab (a different type of rehab seemingly) and seeing a psychiatrist about my substance misuse.

I had soon after notions that I would like to be that! Yeah, a psychiatrist. Delusions of grandeur perhaps? Not really, they might say that.


It's just the impression that the guy had on me, I wanted to be like him. And I wanted to commit myself to some, purpose or something in life.

I thought I would have the aptitude for the study as that was always my strong point. And I was in my early 20's still. Anyway, I digress.


I can specifically relate to this bit;

Yeah I shared a thread here about some similar experiences I had to you above except that I was considerably younger than you were at the time.

I didn't overly enjoy them, and I didn't not enjoy them either. So I'm confused about that, but I'm more confused as to how it related to my parents if I am honest.

I got punished as a result. (my parents noticed a porno video had been moved so I copped a beating for that). I was under 10, I'm guessing 8 and the girl must have been 14 or 15 if she was a hired babysitter, which she was.


Those experiences stand out for me but there were others that I don't recall as vividly including even a strange sexual encounter when I was much younger then that. No idea what the significance is, like I said I don't make a big deal of it.

Except that I am a parent myself, and I just cannot reconcile how this stuff relates to my parents as I see my own kids growing up and realize that - wow- I had a much different childhood to theirs and I'm assuming most people that I've know also.

Every year that they got older it made me quietly and subconsciously re-examine my own childhood which raises so many F'n questions, and no answers. What kind of people are my parents is the obvious big one for me. And still I don't know.


I did try and raise it with them both in the past couple of years, I had thought about it often before (I'm not the type to talk about or show my inner self) but figured well, it's now or never.

It was brief. I got met with total denial on one side and a retaliatory accusation (I didn't make no accusations wtf). That was on one side. And gas lighting even on the other…

My mother heard out what I said, but immediately her response was 'Well, if you are thinking about getting counselling for that you should pay a private one for that'.

In other words, 'I think you should see state funded counsellors for all the drinking, anger and acting out to have it on record- but anything that may paint me in a negative light, you should keep separate and secret' ….

Thats what I heard, and that was her immediate response. Not exactly anything that I could take any positive or grow from wtf. I am still confused no less.


Thanks for sharing your experience of recovery. It's whatever it means to yourself I guess.