Originally Posted by
least 
Drinking fuels self hatred. It did mine.
When I was drinking I'd wake up every morning hating myself. Once I got a little sober time I stopped hating myself.
Keep trying. Don't give up!
^^^^^^
This!!! I also woke up daily feeling as if I was a failure, I was nothing, I was going to die like this. It was the alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant. We are surprised when we become depressed. That's the tricky side of drinking: it starts out fun, a mood lifter, a party creator, the smile maker.
Then it builds in the shame, guilt, and self-loathing.
One thing that always sticks w/ me that is in my thoughts now is:
"You have shown you can stay sober for X amount of days. You survived those days without alcohol. You can be sober. So do it again, just for today"
((((HUGS))))) I've been where you are. It does get better . . . once you stop.
Make a plan. Have the members here look over it to give feedback. Build up your support. Make it a priority and then you will find that joy again, that authentic self.