(I hate myself and want to die)
I've written that because that's what it feels like now...
I drank this weekend after going thirty something days...
I want to find out why and what can I do about it.
My thoughts are mental and all over the place. I think I'm reading too much physcology. I've been reading about "toxic shame' and I think I convinced myself that therein lies my alcohol problem.....I drink and I automatically feel bad, because I was shamed about my behaviour in the past....and now I shame myself. I feel bad and a man that feels bad about himself manifests that belief in perpetuating self defeating behaviour. Drinking. How can I change if I feel bad about myself.
so if I remove that toxic shame....
I tried that today when the hangover really started kicking in. It worked a little. Then I realised why I need to stay sober...
The two principal reasons: Anxiety
Depression
These two bast'rds make a silent attack on my system the day after drinking. Like a cancer eating away at my soul. And I don't like it. And I can't handle it. What do I do to avoid these two enemies? I drink of course. Logical no? It's the most illogical thing that I can think of....
Then there is a second reason:
It brings me negative circumstances that I later regret. I regret drinking. Always. This is a monkey that I need to take around the back and put a bullet in it's ugly head and bury it in a deep grave.
A plan? The moment I stop drinking I go into plan "positive and improve my life" and things go fantastic and then suddenly......monkey boy bites me out of nowhere...
I have two personalities. Have you seen Fight Club? Tyler Durden is drunk me. Sometimes I wake the next day and I just can't relate to what happened the previous night....like it happened to someone else....or in a movie....but it wasn't me...
Tyler needs to die.
You've just met me at a very strange time in my life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ln8Sj_BDUrs