I'm sorry you're in pain from all that's happening SW. I know we say it often here, but it's really true - drinking or cutting only distracts or numbs us for a short time. It does nothing to actually help our situation - and then we're left with regret and anxiety. It's not worth it. It took me years to finally get that. I certainly don't think you're childish, & I'm really glad you told us what happened.