I drank last night.
This has been the most intense week I have had in a long time. And last night, I left myself unguarded and drank.
I got a call yesterday from the Meredith Viera show. They are flying my daughters and I to New York on Tuesday to be featured on their segment about deserving single moms.
I got the call yesterday morning. That started a day of phone calls back and forth, emails, paperwork, and then finally "Well, we will be at your house on Sunday to do pre-filming and then we are flying you and your daughters to New York on Tuesday for the show"
Drinking started entering my mind in the afternoon. I did not work my plan, I didn't work through the thoughts, I didn't post to be accountable.
This is all on me. The news didn't make me drink. Counseling didn't make me drink. I chose to drink.
That scares me. I had two weeks yesterday. Two weeks of realizing I can wake up each day and do what is needed and not drink. Two weeks of feeling stronger each day.
And this morning, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tense, I want to cry.
I know what I need to do. I know when I began going in the wrong direction: the moment the thought entered my head and I didn't actively work on it. Instead, I entertained it, I let it grow.
The producer told me "Many people would quit school when their car broke down. You kept going. Many people would have quit school when they had a sick kid, you kept going. Many would quit when another kid got sick. You kept going. All of those things happened to you and you kept going. You are inspiring and we want to do something for you"
My thoughts during the whole thing: "I'm not inspiring. I mess up. I don't deserve this"
My girls knew about it before I did. They called Brianna first. They believe I deserve this and somewhere in the back of my head, I do, too. But I'm overwhelmed right now.
I started counseling, I'm not sleeping well, then this.
I have been hit with many things this week and I know better than to have left myself vulnerable.
I have got to figure out a way to realize it's okay to have great things happen in my life: sobriety, this show, moving forward.
So, I don't know what else to say.