Hey, so here I am again. This time for more serious reasons: I never believe and/or secretly tend to get a bit annoyed with people on here, who tell me I'll probably relapse without help, especially if I have just the one drink. But now, I'm sad to say it's true. In the past month, I'm owning up to having consumed alcohol three times and now in the early days of May... I just had a fourth and fifth relapse.
So anyway: the first one was the worst: a real bender: a bottle of wine, after I'd somehow convinced myself I could moderate. Surprise, surprise: I couldn't! Then I waited five days, had two beers and half a glass of wine, a little more than a week later, I had a birthday party: half a glass of beer, but STILL: beer. Two days ago: three bottles, yesterday: three, even if I was going for two.
I just can't seem to get out this vicious cycle! Yet I can't help it, the urges are too strong. I can be happy for a while, but then I always get sad and give up on things, allowing the cravings to take over. I just get too depressed, to think and get jealous of people when they're drunk and pleasant. I just feel like a waste of space now, like I'm not worth to see another day. I'm so far away from my former-self and long to find that person again.
I'm just scared this will go on and on and I won't ever get my life back. I don't know what ever possessed me to start drinking, but I hate myself for it, as I ruin my life with it, over and over, a little more with each sip.
So, there: another rant. Again, I don't really know what to archieve with this. I just felt like letting people on here know, that I'm not that strong and enjoy torturing myself, with failing, over and over. I had three months... I guess that's all I ever have. Bye guys, I'm tuning out.