Thank you so much, all.
Cissy - I've got the voice telling me that I can handle just one or two, especially at special occasions. I have defeated that by remembering the price that I have to pay if/when I lose control again. And there is no guarantee that I'll end up sober and in control of my life again if/when that spiral happens again. I used the same thinking for when I quit smoking 11 years ago. It it worth the one puff of smoke to risk getting addicted again, with no guarantee that I'll ever quit again? I play with the devil in my head at special occasions by keeping a drink in my hand (cranberry tonic, ginger beer, hot tea, sparkling water, etc.). I will never feed it alcohol again.