Good morning all,
Today is the start of day thirty for me. The sun is coming out, but there is that autumn chill in the air. I think we might just be in for a bitter winter here in SA. At least I have a fireplace. So to business.
Physically I am fine. I did wake with a headache, but I have not taken anything for it. I am going to ride it out and see if the water helps. It is not a sharp headache, but rather a dull mist. The numbness in the cheek is still absent this morning. I hope it has finally decided to pack it in. I slept well last night, I did wake for a bathroom visit, but was able to fall asleep very quickly again. I really must stop drinking water at least thirty minutes before lights out. My muscles feel good. I will exercise again this afternoon. Fitness is coming along, but I really need to stop smoking. I have my silver cigar with me and am puffing away here in the office.
Mentally I feel fine. I do not have many foreseeable mental challenges at work. It is all routine stuff that does not really require problem solving. At least I have the book to stimulate my memory. I am quite enjoying that. I am still playing online chess. This helps me with planning or thinking ahead.
Emotionally I am ok. This is not to say I have no feelings, but rather that I am coping with it. If I don't particularly enjoy the feeling, I am able to move along to the next one rather quickly. I think that this is part of the reason that our mental state recovers the quickest. I know that we need to embrace and work through the emotions, but I am not ready or strong enough for that yet. The road to recovery is a long one, and I have the time.
I am working through my book on meditation. I am still unclear on what the author is trying to get at. When I think of meditation, I think of relaxation, focus, deep breathing and calming of self. I really hope this is what he is trying to get to. I am not particularly interested in prayer or anything. No offence intended, but I believe that God helps those who help themselves. There would be no point in God just fixing everything without us having to do anything would there?
I have had a few brief moments with my AV over the past few days. It is not as strong or as intense as it was in the beginning. It passes rather quickly. I have the occasional thoughts of having a drink. This too passes rather quickly. It is as if the voice goes in one ear and out the other before I even get to respond. I am not that naïve to believe that I have it under control, or that I can think more than one day ahead. I do know that it is a sneaky and very powerful monster that can come back with an intensity to startle at anytime.
I have to guard against this and make sure that I am prepared for it. I cannot now sit back on my laurels and tell myself that I have overcome. I suspect that that I will fight this battle for the rest of my life. I am not scared of the fight, but neither am I that arrogant to believe that it will be easy. I think that with time, it will get easier, but I do know that I have to be on the lookout for that one moment that will come out of the blue.
What could I possibly tell those of you starting your journey? Well in summary, the physical withdrawal passes the quickest. The uncomfortable things like the shivering, shaking, sweating and nausea pass within a week. Headaches and insomnia take a bit longer, but ease up a little more every day. Your mental recovery is also rather quick. Your mind will clear within a few days. The brain mist lifts quickly It will take a bit longer for the memory, but that comes back more each day too. The emotional aspect is the time consumer. As sober people, we beat ourselves up for the things we did when drunk. I know that it is not easy, but we have to let go. We cannot change what was done, we can only go forward. What do we gain by hanging onto the guilt and pain? Nothing. By hanging onto the pain and beating ourselves up over it - we only set ourselves up for relapse.
I read a response on one of the threads where a poster advised someone not to let go of this guilt too easily. I can understand the too easily bit - but I am not going to carry this around forever. Too easily implies a time frame. So how long should you or I carry it around for? A week? A month? A year? A decade? I think that as long as you recognise the error of the deed and that you are sorry for it - let it go. The more you can let go, the less you have to carry around. The less you have to carry around, the more you can concentrate on now. The more you are able to concentrate on now, the easier it will be to defeat the temptation to drink.
Well, coffee time. Then time for a smoke. Then I will pretend to look intelligent for the rest of the day.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB