TDG - my old man would drop a few nuggets of wisdom my way growing up, and I like to pass them along when the time is right. One of his best ones was "can't never did s***". Sure, he might not have been as polished as Aristotle, but he still had a point. If you are facing a serious challenge in life, a "can't" attitude invariably leads to abject failure. Seriously, if you don't have faith in yourself what do you think is going to happen? As alcoholics / addicts we constantly get bombarded with these mind numbing stats that 85% of XYZ fail after 6 months, 90% of ABC fail after Y years, blah, blah, blah. All of that could just be summed up with a slide that says "YOU ARE ******!" in 30 point font, block letters. If you go in already expecting to fail then how are you going to survive the initiation talk about the dismal success rates? It is hard enough to shake that stuff off when you come in like John Rambo ready to prove to the whole world that their stats don't mean ****.
Come on man. Snap out of it. Enough of this I can't do it ****! You sure as hell can do it! The question is how bad do you want to do it? Some of the other posters have even implied that they knew the relapse was coming, and you just nodded in agreement like it was inevitable. Didn't it **** you off to hear that? Don't you want to prove them wrong? I am not saying to start blowing up at folks on here. Use that anger to get pissed off at the booze. If you ignore the advice to go to rehab (implying that you can quit without it) then prove everybody wrong by staying sober. That hasn't worked out thus far, but it isn't like rehab is a magic bullet either. If someone goes to rehab and half asses it then it is going to be a waste of time anyway.
For what it is worth I went years thinking that quitting was completely impossible. I don't mean that I thought it was going to be real hard, and that I wasn't sure if I could make it. This was a 0.0000% impossible. It went something along the lines of "I have used so much for so long that there is no way my brain will ever recover from this...I am going to use everyday for the rest of my life (i.e. I am a 'lifer') and I have come to the point of acceptance of this fact...hey, it isn't so bad, I just better kick serious ass at work so I never run out of money to keep up my supply...if I really get in a bind I'll just off myself" That ****** attitude kept me actively using for years when I could have at least made some serious attempts at it.
I know you have some legit medical issues going on. It isn't like schizophrenia is one of those things that you can just walk off or something. The thing is that there is always someone else that went through a worst situation somewhere. It can turn into the ultimate pissing contest if you look for reasons that you can't do it. I am sure there is somebody out there that cold turkeyed a 30-year booze / benzo / heroin / methadone habit while climbing Mt. Everest in a wheelchair with only a T-shirt and gym shorts (no oxygen tank of course). I am not at all trying to poke fun at your problems, because they are real issues. You are under legit stress, but most of the other folks that are trying to quit have baggage too. Drinking is just going to make it worst regardless of what the baseline is.
As far as being crazy goes I had to chuckle when I read that. Have you read the other threads on here? I think SR would suck if they had a sanity for a membership requirement. It would be so boring.