I agree with HeartsAfire, your patterns are extremely predictable. Even the way you talk in this thread, this manipulative, seemingly agreeable style responding to people, playing "poor me, don't judge me". I'm inclined to think that part of the reason you don't want to do anything effective about your drinking and get better is a fear that you might lose the attention people give you. That is what you are probably scared of more than anything else. But you will eventually lose it, Jeremy, when you die of this.