I have been down lately. The thought of being free from the marriage is starting to seem real to me. At times, I had thought about divorce, but it just seemed like some abstract dream on the horizon. When I think about how much easier life will be on my own it gives me something to look forward to. It isn't like I am gearing up to start the process next week, but I see it coming within a few months. Given the situation I have to be very methodical about building my case. I have been taking notes of her excuse every day for not seeing her children, and I am going to record some phone calls when she starts talking about harming people. Otherwise, my children could end up with their mother without me, which would be an utter disaster. It would destroy me to see them go to foster care, but even that would be better than them ending up with their mother without me there. It reminds me of the story of two women claiming ownership of a baby in a king's court. Unfortunately, I don't think I am going to get King Solomon as my judge.
There is still some hope that things may get better with my wife. She has a new doctor that she really gets along with that it a good sign. I am going to approach the doctor, and give her some insight into what things have been like in my house. Maybe a miracle will happen and she will get on the right medication that will turn things around. For the sake of my family I would willingly forgive all and move on. I would even take the blame for everything if that is what it took. Unfortunately, none of that will work unless my wife is willing to cooperate. I don't even know if that would be enough, because I can't tell how much of this is involuntary due to a real mental illness versus a deeply ingrained personality / character flaw.
I have to admit that I looked down on people that got divorces for most of my life. I thought it was just an easy out for people that didn't want to put forth the effort to make a marriage work. I get it now. That being said, I feel a lot of guilt for looking down on people in the past. No one wants to get divorced, and I think the vast majority of people at least try to work it out. Sometimes it is the only way to make life bearable. If the other person in the marriage doesn't want to make things work then there is nothing you can do to make it work. I think you would have to have the patience of Gandhi or Jesus Christ to be able to tolerate a marriage that has really gone to the birds. Seriously, I don't even know if historical A-listers like that could deal with a wife set on making their life miserable.
Before I got married I read the oaths closely to make sure that I could live up to them, and I never believe that I would be able to break them. My priorities have changed now that I have children, and I think that is a good thing. Even though it is painful to break my oath (it is something that I do take very seriously), I realized that I was being selfish. Is my vanity of identifying as a person that 'never' breaks his word worth my children's happiness? I am just going to have to find a way to get over breaking my word. It isn't fair to sentence my children to a life of misery to keep my word.
On the drug front, I have been holding strong. I do know that I would not be able to stay sober for the long-term under current conditions. There are probably others that would disagree, and would point to a program that I could use to stay sober no matter what. I must say that I envy those that have the strength to confidently say that they can deal with whatever life throws at them. For me, I think the better road is to admit my limitations, and make the changes needed to keep things manageable. There will be plenty of curve balls that I don't see coming to challenge me. If there are things I can change to make it easier I am going to do so. I have heard others say that you can't set expectations on others, and that no one else can interfere with their sobriety. When I hear people say that I believe them, and I am happy for them. I know myself though, and I am not going to get there with this situation. Even if I could what would be the point? Do I really want bragging rights that I kept life miserable just so I could make sobriety adequately challenging?
I don't want to come across as blaming my wife for my addiction. That was my mindset for a long, long time, and it didn't get me anywhere. It just kept me feeling sorry for myself, while sinking deeper and deeper into active addiction. The way I see it now is that she is responsible for introducing tremendous stress to my life, but I was responsible for choosing drugs to deal with that stress. Last summer when I was on the road I knew what was going to happen when I came back. Even then, part of me still blamed my wife for it. I was expecting her to change, and started pouting when things didn't go my way. Maybe my view on this will change over time, but I can accept full responsibility for my drug use. It took me a long time to get there though. I guess I couldn't come to terms with the fact that your truly had ****** up that bad. Actually, I am still pissed at myself for the mistakes I made (really pissed), but I think that will get better with time.