Really want to exit alcohol
Hello everyone. I'm a new user here, and I want to use soberrecovery as a support group, if possible. I've tried to fix my life on my own, but it just hasn't worked...
I am an alcoholic. I've understood and admitted this for three years. I started drinking when I was very young at 12, and I've now been drinking for 13 years of my life.
I have no excuses left.
I used to say I drank because it helped me write fiction--- but I haven't written in more than a year.
I used to say I drank because it helped me be social--- but now I am completely not in control of drinking and I become a wreck.
The latter excuse is what finally brought me to make a user on this forum. I was friendly with this girl on campus and finally we went out on a date. She was having a great time and was very friendly and I was so happy about it all--- but we went to a bar to eat, and the moment I touched a drink to my lips I was gone. By the end of the night I was stuttering, stumbling, and my eyes were rolling. It was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life, and the worst part is that I didn't have a clue that any of this was happening until we got back by train and she coldly walked away with just a quick wave goodbye, and then I understood that I had ruined everything.
I've tried to talk to friends and family about drinking, people who've seen me drink, know how I drink, act when I drink--- and they don't get it. I've been a daily drinker, but my real problem is binge-drinking. Nobody understands when I tell them, "If I drink one sip of alcohol, I literally cannot do anything else but drink until I fall asleep." But that's exactly it--- I am completely out of control. I don't think at all, and just need to continue to drink. I fail to see how I look, how I'm affecting others; how much I'm spending, or what I'm even saying.
I become an absolute monster.
And the guilt--- that's what I'm most embarrassed by. The next day I wake up and I just can't stand myself. I want to scream and tear the skin off my face; I am repulsed and horrified and so angry--- and yet, somehow, eventually, I do it again anyway.
I hate drinking. I hate my life. And yet no matter hard I've tried I somehow come back to drinking. Once I threw out the alcohol and went sober for four months, and they were good and clean months. But then, eventually, I caved; fell back to this life-style I absolutely hate.
I just need someone to talk to who understands. The only way for me to get going with recovering is undergoing again that very hard stage of having to say "No" again. I can't put myself in a setting with alcohol, and this means I can't see my friends at all. It's hard, and alienating, but I just really want to do this. I want to fix my life, because I swear if I have to go through one more morning of the guilt and shame and regret I just don't know if I'll make it. I really don't.
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to throw as much of this out there as possible. I want to be committed, and so I want to admit vulnerability; I'm not a great person, and I'm tremendously afraid. But I want to stop drinking, and if there's any help you can give me I'd be seriously appreciative.