Hello folks
I always believed that I drank to relieve stress and help me unwind blah blah blah.
Yesterday I was so pleased and happy that I'd reached 6 months sober and that I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin
By chance, my wife and I found some cheap flights to a Greek island so we booked them and found a remote place to stay, far from the tourist trail with just the sun, beach and mountains for company..............and the odd taverna
My pleasure and excitement was instantly marred by feelings of remorse that I wouldn't be able to sip cold beers in the shade at lunchtime or drink wine with my meals .........
I felt miserable that I would be denying myself the freedom to drink in the morning along with everyone else in the airport bar - I'd just been fortunate enough to book an idyllic holiday, relaxing in one of the most beautiful places in Europe - yet I felt cheated!!!
It was only later that I was able to see what was going on when I had similar thoughts around the weekend.
It's a bank holiday weekend here in the UK just now and I was thinking how in the past I would love them because I could literally drink as much as I liked.
With no work for a few days it didn't matter that I would drink till I passed out on the sofa. I could wake up in the wee small hours and force another drink before climbing the stairs and crashing out in my own bed. When I finally woke up again mid morning, it didn't matter that I felt like death because I was just a couple of 'curers' away from feeling ok again and would be able to sneak drinks throughout the day without the 'pressures' of work.........
Holidays for me used to be freedom from having to control my drinking , a chance to drink as much as I liked with no accountability - in fact it's almost expected that you drink from morning till night ..at least it was in my world!
When I realised this yesterday I felt the cloud lift, my AV had sensed a hole in my armour caused by a change in routine but I had seen it for what it was and was able to recognise it.
My AV doesn't want to sip the beer in the sun or savour a glass of wine at sunset - it wants to get smashed with absolute abandon knowing that there would be the opportunity to drink through the nausea to avoid the hangover the next day.
I don't want that - I'm going to get up early to enjoy the morning, explore the island appreciating its beauty, swim and snorkel in the crystal water, relax in the calm peaceful atmosphere knowing that as long as I recognise what is me and what is AV then I need never return to that hell again.
Sorry for a long post but the ferocity of the AV attacks following periods of quiet always surprise me. I understand now why sobriety can never be taken for granted - you need to work at it.