Originally Posted by Melina

Hi everyone.

I posted most of this in the monthly thread I'm in, but I just wanted to put some recent thoughts on moderation and being relieved to not be so scared of the AV out there in case anyone can relate and to connect a bit with everyone. I read here several times a day but I dont always write much anymore.

I'm doing well and I hope you are, too! I'm proud of not drinking, I feel happy I am choosing to be free!

Trying to pretend I can moderate makes me want to scream. I have to rearrange everything to fit the lie and pretend things aren't going downhill, and minimize everything. Like straightening the picture frames in a burning building. But it's all just happening in my mind and I can't truly lie to myself with any measure of comfort.

It is just easier for me to not drink. There is a point every evening at work where I feel a little annoyed for a second and I think about drinking that night. I have no intentions on giving in. My mind pops up with a million reasons why it's not going to happen and everything settles down. It's getting easier and easier, and the urge gets more short-lived each time.

I feel like I have an arsenal in my head that fiercely wants to protect me. When I think of drinking, ALL the reasons not to come at once and on top of each other.

All at the same time I hear, 'you're just hungry. Oh hell no, you'll drive drunk. You'll have a horrific hangover. Your stomach will feel awful. Your head will be in agony. You'll say all the bad things. You'll miss work. You'll miss another beautiful, peaceful morning. Drinking is not an option, I don't drink. Sober is sexy and I'm proud of it. Go eat something instead.' Etc, etc.

I used to be scared when the AV came bc I thought it could get me. But now I think the AV talking is part of the deal for now, and only has the power I give it. I don't feed my AV. Something has changed in me and now I can observe it without giving it any anxiety or emotion. I don't think that having an AV means I have to drink... What I think it means is I need to take a breath bc I'm irritated, or I need a snack, or I need to get in bed and relax.

That's pretty much it. I don't have that terror that bc I momentarily have a thought of drinking means I actually want to drink or am going to. It's just me going back to my 'coping' skills and how I used alcohol to erase time. I am learning new methods to deal with things and I like this way better. I do have confidence that the AV will get quieter over time. I don't have to feel like I'm bad at quitting bc these thoughts pop up. I just don't have to drink over any of the chatter in my head.

The last time I drank I was having a conversation inside myself about how I did not want to be drinking, that it wasn't a useful tool for what I thought I was using it for, and that the hangovers were a hellacious price to pay for something I don't even want to be doing that doesn't even work.

There's no relief in alcohol for me anymore. It's not good medicine for me and it hasn't been fun for years.

So, I know I can't moderate, I know I can't drink socially and be ok, I know I can't drink alone and thrive/survive very long, etc. I'm pretty much at the point where it is just easier to put the load down.

I try to stay in a state of openness and flexibility so I remain humble and also connected to a spiritual channel that seems to help with my anger issues. I do this by listening to AA speaker tapes on the way to and from work and I talk to God as if we were listening together. It's fun. Sounds weird but feels great and leaves me relaxed. I cry and laugh with these tapes sometimes. I like where it puts my mind.

That's enough of my bla bla bla. I don't have time to write posts as often as I'd like so I think I needed a major thought dump.

Thanks for being with me,
Melina