Originally Posted by
zenchaser 
Plus being in constant pain and discomfort it's easy to turn to something to make me feel better. I bough percs off a guy I know this weekend even though I've never been into pills before.... but it just sucks to hurt all the time.
It's depressing.
Not a good idea. Like the "bad sign" in your avatar.
I'm very familiar with pain, and I know how it can affect everything, but giving in to your pain and your depression in this way can lead to much worse, if only because by doing so, you've mimicked the behavior associated with active addiction, even if this move doesn't lead to further addictive behaviors. You've already mentioned that, as is true of so many of us, you're used to grabbing something, alcohol, to ease the pain in the past. I'm concerned that you're now doing something very similar.
I've had two total hip replacements, one in November of 2013, when I was sober for twenty seven months, and then the second in August of 2014. I was in near-constant pain, and getting around was difficult for months prior to each surgery. Months before my first surgery, I went to the ER to refill my antidepressants and nonaddictive sleep meds, since I didn't have a regular psychiatrist at the time. I also wanted to have my hip checked, so I could kill two birds with one stone.
When the ER doc came to see me, he gave me a lecture that started out with,
"If you're here for pain meds, you're not getting them!" This was after I filled out the usual forms and before I said a word to him. I told him that I wasn't there for painkillers, but to refill my meds and get an idea about what was going on with my hip.
I'm no hero, and was taking Ibuprofen at the time, but I needed to do something about my hip, so I scheduled an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon after my visit to the ER.
If I have a point to make, it's this: You're setting yourself up to believe that you have a bleak future based on current circumstances. You're becoming increasingly depressed, and you've purchased painkillers from "a guy you know," apparently without a doctor's supervision. What you seem to see is someone who's attending to a medical condition not of your own making in the best way you can. What I'm observing is dangerous thinking and behaviors that may be leading to a very dismal outcome, the kind of thinking and behaviors that people associate with being on "auto pilot" when they relapse.
I apologize if my comments disturb you in any way, but what I said needed to be said.