Thank you for the messages. It's the first time I've been on a forum for this before. It felt relieving to be able to say some of those things. I'm so good at hiding how big and destructive a problem alcohol has been in my life to this point. I think even from myself. I've never really entertained seriously the idea that I might have to stop drinking altogether. It's such a part of who I am. But I don't know the point it turned from being the one who went too far on fun nights out to me drinking heavily alone at home. It just all feels strange. I'm exhausted with myself for choosing the familiarity of this awful thing to what I know I could have and be if I got this under control. It's tough though even right now I feel like in a week I'll probably feel like I've got it all in hand and a night out drinking won't hurt. This does feel like an important first step. I'm glad I've found this.