When do you start to recognize yourself again?
Hi and I apologize in advance if I am posting this in the wrong place. Feel like if I don't get it out, I won't and I just can't keep it down anymore.
Where to start.. I was in love. Massively in love. I think for the first time ever. At least it felt that way. All of the insecurities that come with relationships were never felt in this one. I was confident. Felt like his queen. He would call me several times a day to check in - see how my day was, tell me about his. Then something changed. One day in June he told me he was depressed. He told his doctor, who prescribed anti depressant. After months, he told me he thought it helped, but he still felt depressed. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Went with him. Sat in the session and offered my feedback when the doctor asked. Told her he did drink. Sometimes we got drunk, but it certainly wasn't a regular occurrence, which it wasn't. She diagnosed him on his first visit with a form of bi-polar and put him on the second to highest dosage she could, with abilify. He started taking it. Wasn't agreeing with him, but when i tried to tell him to come off, he wouldn't listen. He started drinking. ALOT. All the time. His behavior became erratic. He became hyper sexual.. Would call me to have phone sex and talk dirty to me. At first, I didn't know what to think, so I ignored it. Then it was something that was always prevalent. He called me one day in September and told me he was going to go for a drink next door after work with his partner. While he was there, he was texting me regularly telling me he was talking to his partner about me and how much he loved me and I changed his life. He would call me when he got home. I told him to stop texting me and have fun with his partner. They had been stressed at work and he seemed like he was in such a good mood. Then 52 minutes later, I got a text saying he just had sex with a couple in the alley behind the bar. We broke up. He told me a week later, he was raped by them. Was fully supportive of him, called rape lines to try to understand better, and one thing after another, the lies started to unfold. There was no couple. He wasn't raped. He wasn't being blackmailed. He was on a date with someone else 6 days after we broke up. Somehow, months past, he was texting me regularly, fighting constantly, and he texted me from a hotel (he was there with a client who he took on a conference to Miami) telling me he just had oral sex with a guy. One thing after another. I would stop writing. He would write to tell me he was thinking of me. The only thing I was certain of was something had to be wrong.. How could i not have seen it. In May of last year, we booked a vacation together. Things had gotten better and we were going to go together. We are fighting now because I had a fight with him and told him he needs to prove to me he's glad he's back.. He doesn't understand. I don't understand. I love him with all my heart and I feel like such a MORON. How could I still be in love with him? Why can't I walk away? Do I really value myself that little? My world was shattered and I can't seem to get out of this nightmare.. worse yet, I am not sure I want to. I just want to wake up and have him be the him he was before the anti depressants. Sorry to ramble so much.