safeandsound

Hi. This is the third time I'm trying SR. I'm coming off of about four months of very heavy drinking after a period of sobriety. At first there were few consequences; I was able to drink excessively every night without it affecting my job or relationships. But it quickly got right back to where I was last time: blacking out 4 or 5 times a week, embarrassing myself in public, fights with husband, etc. etc.

I've been reading SR but told myself I had to have at least one week sober before posting. So I have that--sort of. I thought I'd post about the last relapse so that I avoid doing that again.

Recently I decided to get sober again (and not drink occasionally). The withdrawal symptoms were much worse than last time: sweating for two days, exhausted, nausea, body pain, nightmares, vivid horrible memories, headaches, mood swings. I felt hungover for the first six days. But that was OK because I expected to feel bad based on previous attempts at sobriety. Day 7 I felt good. The muscle pain was still there, but I felt energetic for the first time and clearer. Day 8, however, was a different story.

I've read that this is pretty common and may be a symptom of withdrawal. But when you're in it, it's real. I felt completely empty. Worthless. Like my life had no value. Instead of being sad, I felt nothing, which is really scary (I have a history of depression). The AV got really loud. I swore back at it and said I wasn't going to drink no matter what. I drove past the liquor store. When I got home, it was worse. I was shaking and anxious and couldn't get my brain to shut up. I could recognize the AV voice, and kept mentally boxing with it, but it kept on and kept on and kept on until finally I said, "OK, you win for today. But I'm coming back full force tomorrow." When I was driving to the liquor store, I felt this immense sense of calm. I knew that that was because the AV had gotten what it wanted. But I drank anyway. It wasn't fun. It felt like I was taking medicine.

But in fact I DID wake up full of determination. I made it through a long, stressful work day. I got snacks and candy and soda on the way home and used those to combat my "5:00 stress relief" cravings. I read SR. My mind felt clear, so I was even able to read instead of watching TV.

So today is Day 2 again. I'm hesitant to post this because I have been sincere in the past about quitting only to drink again. But I also feel like it will help my sobriety to get out there. AA is not an option, and I don't have any close friends where I live. So I'm back and looking for support. I was so grateful for the strength I got from you guys last time.