Made it through the night. I can't minimize this, I need to be fully accountable to myself so that I can remind myself in the future what I've had to go through and that I don't want to do it again.
My withdrawals weren't horrible through the night, but sleep was hard to come by. I had a horrible nightmare that perfectly summed up all of my deepest fears and woke up drenched in sweat and shivering. I dreamt that I got completely trashed and slept all day while the kids were left to fend for themselves. The kids trashed the house while I slept, building forts, painting on walls, breaking things, flooding our downstairs... More than I could ever clean up. There was bugs and garbage everywhere. I wasn't drinking the following day, but the drinking from the previous day was obvious. Just then, I got a surprise visit from two people from Children Services. I thought that's it, the kids are gone. No way they could look at this house and think I was a fit mom. But they seemed OK - I was going to get away with it again! One more girl showed up from Children Services and I thought, only one more person to fool and I'm home free. But the last girl picked up a slip of paper that had been on the counter. It was a receipt from the day before showing that I had bought more booze. They started making phone calls immediately to find placement for my kids.
The fear and the hiding and the lies are killing me just as much as drinking. I am so ready to be done with all of this anxiety. At least the queasiness is almost gone - I'm hoping to be able to choke down something to eat today.
Thank you, SR. I'm glad I can reach out to you right now in the early stages of this until I can get more help. Day 2.