I woke up today and made my daughter french toast. It took maybe 10 minutes but it's left me feel grateful this morning.
So many times in the past, I'd make a promise of doing something the next day and then I would drink. The hangover would cause me to find excuses to not follow through or to do it halfway.
My hungover days were ridiculous really. Get up, realize what happened, check phone, check Facebook, check call logs to make sure nothing stupid was done. Most of the time delete posts on Facebook and pray I hadn't humiliated myself that much. If my girls weren't home yet, wash face, ice cold water splashed on face repeatedly, brush teeth, quick shower. Attempt to clean up house, start coffee. It was a frantic rush to make things look "normal". Force myself to be productive, make promises, feel shame, get through the day, go to bed, finally sleep and pray for the next day when I would wake up and feel okay.
I tend to use the word sobriety and recovery separately. I quit drinking. I am not going to drink again. I work that daily. My recovery, though, is also about the behaviors. It's about setting boundaries and keeping promises. But that is also one day, one action at a time. Today I got up and made french toast for my daughter. She smiled and hugged me. My youngest is really the only one who has ever been vocal about my drinking. She's the sensitive one who felt it more.
After some discussion with other SR members, I've chosen to not sit the girls down and have "The Talk" again. This time, I decided to follow through with actions. Before I say I'm going to do something, I actually first make sure it can be done and then I follow through. That goes further and means more than empty promises ever will.
If I say I need counseling, I followed through by making an appointment. I'll follow through next by going.
My daughter has an awards banquet tonight. I'm not making a big proclamation about it. I'm going to get ready and be there.
One of the twins mentioned playing Ultimate Frisbee at youth group and she wants us to play. So I'm going to buy the Frisbees and we're going to go play Ultimate Frisbee (and I'm taking all precautions to avoid head injuries
)
It's like the country song "A lot less talk and a lot more action"
That's what has clicked with me this time that never did before: it's about actions, not just words. I do actions now that contribute to me staying sober and becoming healthy.
And now I'm writing a book.
Have a beautiful day.