Hi NE, I'm glad you are here. What you wrote struck a chord with me. I had been drinking for my children's entire lives except when I was pregnant with them. After having them I decided that I could have a glass or two every now and again. I quickly went back to nightly drinking. Then all day on weekends. Pretty soon in the morning before work and then during lunch. By the end I was passing out on the back porch. Or in the living room in front of the television. Anxious to put them to bed so that I could start drinking seriously. It was not a life for me or for them.
While I'm still working on seeing the impact of my drinking on my children (who are 6 and 9), I can absolutely see the impact of my husband's drinking on them since I've gotten sober. It's painful to say now that as horrible as I was, I was the "responsible" parent. My husband is the "sleeping" parent. My kids were cheated out of much because my head was off someplace else.
I got sober 17 months ago. It hasn't been easy. And it was my second serious attempt. I tried first in October 2012 and had 10.5 months on that go. I am finding myself coming into my own as a mother. I am wholly more present in my children's lives. I am no longer missing their lives as I lay passed out. It is so worth the work it takes to get and stay sober. And it is work. But...
You absolutely do NOT have to do this alone by any stretch of the imagination. If you are in Chicago, as am I, there are tons of resources available to you. Swallow your pride and take advantage of what is out there. I did hospital detox to jump start things and then went in to inpatient rehab. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. My husband and I were also separated at the time and my parents kept our children while I was in. I'd suggest hospital detox for a few days to get ready to work on a whole new you. There is no reason to feel uncomfortable and like you are crawling the walls. It gives you time to step back and reflect and be taken care of before you start the process.
Be well. Ask for help and you will receive it.