noexcuse

It's been a long time since I was on here. Surprise, surprise, nothing has gotten better. I'm sick and shaking right now, just wanting the day to be over so that I can go home, go to sleep, and wake up to a new day.

I have been drinking alcoholically for half of my life. If it was just me, I'd probably keep going down that path. But it's not. I have been drinking for my kids' entire lives. That is heartbreaking to me. I'm not present. I am not doing my job for them. I love them so very much, and I'm going to ruin them.

I used to think that I could get away with it because they are just kids, that they aren't aware of what I am doing. If that were ever truly the case, it certainly isn't anymore. They know where I hide my bottle. They know I'm not OK when I'm 'sleeping.' I found out that one of my neighbors even said something to my daughter about my 'sleeping.' She defended me to him....and she shouldn't have. My first thought was what a jerk! How could he say something like that to her? And then I thought, how embarassing that the neighbors know! Embarassing that a NEIGHBOR knows....not that my poor kids are watching this and being affected by this. That is the epitome of a bad mom.

I reached out to someone at Celebrate Recovery today. I also asked my parents if I could stay with them this weekend if my husband isn't moved back in by then (yet another drunken tale, to be told some other time). It's time to make some uncomfortable decisions so that I don't keep clawing my way deeper into this hole. The first thing that I've got to do is swallow my pride, because I think that has been one of my biggest obstacles. Time to ask for help and actually accept what is offered. There are so many resources, and I've been too wrapped up in my own head to see that even I can be helped.

And since this was the most accessible resource at the moment, I'm reaching out to all of you here at SR for some much needed help. I don't think I can take any more of this suffering.