Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without words
And never stops
We all need hope in our lives, but it is especially true for those trying to recover. Because the addiction is so self serving it becomes the focus of our lives creating a vortex of self absorption. It is hard to have hope when all you can see is your need to get high.
Relationships are broken, family ties are severed through the lying, manipulation and broken promises.So you end up in a pit of your own making. At this time when you need hope the most, it seems the most remote.
Just quitting, that is not drinking or using is not enough. You have to have a profound underlying motive to stay clean. Willpower is not enough. With hope, you can see possibilities for a better life. A future and the feeling that you have worth not only to yourself, but to others and the community.
Taking personal responsibility helps. Learning to cope with life's challenges and knowing when things are out of one's control by accepting can create hope and strength. You can “own” your mistakes as well as your successes. And personal responsibility also means understanding that one cannot do everything by oneself. People need other people.
I drank yesterday supposedly because of my family's stuff, but in reality it was because I am lousy at setting boundaries. I want to fix everything. I must be super woman! In addition, I gave myself permission to drink over my feelings. The result is nothing has changed. I spent money on vodka that mostly went down the drain. My brother is still and alcoholic, and so am I. If anything, that drinking episode eroded my self esteem even more. When I am trying to obtain hope...the thing with feathers flew away last night.
So I am learning. And thank you all again for your support.