AO...I've only just come across this thread and I'm sorry to have missed it.
Several months ago, I was in your situation as regards feeling that pull to drink. I had spent months giving every bit of me, physically and mentally, toward helping my family. I was with my Dad from the first time the oncologist told him he was dying....through the hospital admissions for cancer related illness...I liaised with hospice care for him at home...I helped move him, bathe him, change him...and I held his hand as he slipped away. I thought I was dealing so well...no thoughts of a drink...I arranged his funeral, sorted out my Mum's finances...and then, when it was all over and I had that deep sorrow hit me, that's when the voices started. Whispering their lies, I surely deserved a drink now. Poor poor me. I knew months before I picked up that I would relapse. It became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I stopped posting here. I entered a dark world of grief and despair...
I can tell you that drinking adds a new and terrifying layer on top of that Alpha. Shame, regret, despair, guilt. Down and down I spiralled. I became secretive. I lied and manipulated. It wasn't long at all before the very dark thoughts began...what was the point of me?
Alpha...I can fully appreciate the difficulties you have in your life. Everything passes. There are solutions and a way forward. As long as you stay sober.
We all need you. Xxx