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Old 04-25-2015, 04:09 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Littlebear
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Hello. Thanks so much to all of you for responding overnight. A relief to know I can reach out here at times if I need to. But I do understand Mecanix wise words that loneliness cannot be solved on the Internet. I know this to be true, but still needed to say some things last night. Very grateful you were all there. It made some difference.

Dee - if your still reading? Yes, I am making use of a recovery plan. Its one of the first important things i picked up from visiting this site - the immediate need of 'a plan'... So, I meditate, also been on retreat twice in these past weeks, eating better, exercising, have a therapist, keeping quite busy, and of course working a lot of hours assisting others' get well... I believe its because i am using a recovery plan that I havnt drank any alcohol for 70 days after most of my life drinking; for the past 6/7 years - mostly nightly drinking. Not tons in quantity, but always enough to numb/get me through. So a plan, has been the backbone of getting me through these intial 10 weeks...until last night. Being realistic, I suppose one night drinking was probably inevitable after such a history. What's important now is not continuing to drink.

What's missing from my plan...are people...I cannot just manufacture relationship. So...at times (not always) I am feeling chronically alone (because I am) and of course the alcohol in the past - over a lifetime has helped pacify some of this. Helped keep me going to be at least of tremendous use to others...that at least is something I don't imagine...

Yip, so I had my first hangover this morning in 10 weeks...not good. Wasted my saturday morning. Feels awful - even with less than a bottle of wine. So not recommending relapse to anyone!

I plan to stick to sobriety. And see what I can do to fill the void of intimacy with others in my own life...as i am not good at this. Weirdly, i am known for holding truley intimate relationships in my work with others...you have to laugh...

I know much about the reasons why personal inimacy is difficult still for me...extreme prolonged abuse in childhood/street homelessness at 15/no family from then on...and the absence of family never changed. I have formed relationships - many of them long term but - its incredibly hard for me. People i find, dont seem to want to be my friend...at least thats what i have always imagined. Although i do have some. Now i live alone...have done for several years, and some of you may remember also broke up with my partner that i loved - on the same day i also decided to stop drinking. So...i am aware this isnt an easy time. It wouldn't be for anyone. So I am trying to get through it best way I can - with the help of my plan...but it clearly needs integrating something around more time spent with 'people'. This is what I'm learning.

I've had much therapy in life already, and still going strong... But maybe for me this is as good as it gets... i am seeing that the alcohol has been covering up probably depression. So, this will take much time...I need to learn more (even in my 50s) more about how to relate easier to others...if I can....

Didn't intend such a long post...Sorry

Thank you for sending me your thoughts from your own experience...and hoping all of you are doing well on your own sober journeys....LB x
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