Ashamed and quite lost tonight
I drank tonight - about 3/4 bottle of red wine after 70 days (tomorrow) sober for the first time in 30 + years. My first 'try' at abstinence because i havent really wanted to stop before now (sad i know). Tonight i've written 6 posts and deleted all of them because they don't begin to say what I need to say. Not sure this one does it either.
I'm still 'high' from drinking. Probably drunk on so little wine i guess because my body after 70 days 'free' is already no longer used to alcohol after the lifetime of almost constant daily usage. But i'm ok. Thankfully now in bed with one of the cats purring beside me. Me wanting to talk but not knowing what to say or who to say it to. But needing to say someting. Before coming to bed I sat in the garden in the glitter of fairy lights and let the rain pour on me whilst I had my last glass of wine... Honestly...?...i felt comforted. Alone, and sad but comforted. But although this sounds helpful to me...(i've had such an emotional week)...i'm very aware even in the middle of this - its not the answer
Theres unfortunately no-one really to share my predicament with. No family (at all), few friends and those i have dont know i problem drink and i get that... But this leaves me alone with it all. Please don't anyone suggest AA...I do respect what they do, and know they help so many, and I often refer many to their doors... But there's a zillion reasons why I need to manage my own sobriety without AA
My job is to look after others...their mental well being, and i know i do this well - based on my own experience of my work, lots of client feeback and their (fortunate) progression, and (of least importance to me) also my bosses opinions. So I manage my professional life still well - always have. But... I'm tired.. Of being recognised as someone who does my job so well, but in the process...isolated in being unable to have connections around me to share my own 'failings'..my alcohol intake mostly. My resulting aloneness - in most others feeling I am sooooo...sorted. Jeeeezzz...
Sorry...for the ramble...I'm tired and probably still a little drunk. I'm aware my main problem is my aloneness (as you can probably see?)...and I am deeply ashamed of that even after much therapy
I expect (hope) I will just sleep later tomorrow and just get back to doing one day at a time again....thanks for being out there to hear some of this at this late hour