Great to meet you amanda - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Believe me, you are in good company & we all understand.
I felt the same way when I finally came to SR & sought help to quit. I had spent years trying to control the amounts, and that never worked. It was hard to admit that every time I drank bad & unpredictable things happened. I was heading towards danger and self-destruction. Stopping all together was the only way to stay safe, & it was so wonderful to get free of it. You can do this.