Morning all,
Well it is the start of day sixteen for me.
Physically, I am shattered. I did not sleep a wink last night. Unfortunately I spent most of it tossing; turning and battling anxiety. I really need to get a handle on my emotions as this is starting to get out of hand. I have a headache this morning - not surprised as I didn't sleep. Strangely the numbness on my cheek is not so intense this morning. The hand shakes are almost gone. On a positive note - I am starved. My leg muscles are a little bit stiff from yesterdays walk. I am thinking that I should do a lighter thirty minute walk this evening to loosen the muscles and shake the cobwebs out.
Mentally, I am as sharp as I can be under the circumstances. My mind is not dull or foggy, I am just not firing on all cylinders today. It feels as if I am running on autopilot. I suppose that this is ok for today as I don't really have anything to think about. My days schedule seems to be a bunch of mini meetings where I am just a spectator. Small blessings do happen.
Emotionally, well I am calmer than yesterday. I have bought myself a new book - Real meditation for real alcoholics. I am going to start reading this as soon as I have some time. I think that perhaps I have overdosed too much on the twelve steps and flogging myself to death. Aahh well, addictive personality - what can I say. What will be will be. Stressing; worrying and wondering about it or whether I will be this or that is starting to seem like a waste of energy to me. I should rather use this energy in my recovery.
I am not really sure what else to say on this overcast morning here in SA. It is chilly. Summer is ending and autumn is on its way. God but I hate the cold. Next week Monday and Friday are holidays here in SA. I am very strongly considering putting in leave for the Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday to make a long weekend of it. I have a lot of things that I need to do around the house. Changes and things that I should have done a while back. The way that I feel at the moment is to change everything and wipe her memory completely out of the house.
Anyway, enough morbidity for one morning. Deep breathes and baby steps. Lets see if I can make it through the day without getting pissed off.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers
ZAB