Hello everyone,
I've been sober for 52 days (giving the days, as maybe it is somehow related to what I'm experiencing). In the past two weeks I've had two episodes, that I consider serious, where the dream I was experiencing was relapse/drinking related. Both have been about doing things when blacked out - although other negative effects have hit me as hard as anyone, the 'blacked out activity' part has always been my worst fear and the source of most acute heartache in the past. The worst feelings I've ever had during my drinking were those of not knowing what I had done the night before, what I'd said or maybe revealed (something that was trusted to me in confidence). Never have I awoken with such shock and it takes time to fully understand that what I'd experienced, was still just a dream, albeit one that felt very-very real and awful.
First scenario (a week ago) included me at some log cabin kitchen with an unidentified person who offered me a drink. While I was about to agree to it, moments before the person poured it out, I said "No, actually I don't want it". The person in the dream looked at me with some surprise, asked "What do you mean?". "I don't drink alcohol". This was followed by a question "You don't remember yesterday at all, do you?", followed in turn by the list of crap I'd pulled the night before, of which I apparently had no recollection. The dream ended somewhere in the middle of the description of what I had done. Woke up shaken.
Second scenario (just woke up from), was me at my best friend's house. Once again, it was a repeat visit, meaning we had been there the night before and for some reason I was returning the next evening. The people there were mad at me, but I didn't understand why. Friend pulled me aside and gave me a lecture about what an ******* I'd been, revealing some sort of fictional secret about someone, also asking why I always have to drink that much. Then the dream re-adjusted itself and started offering clues as to what I had been up to - there were three unopened beer cans in my backpack, I suddenly started having some 'flashbacks' to the previos night, remembering I had smoked a joint (which is messed up, because I have smoked marijuana maybe 4-5 times total in my life? And those occasions were 7-8 years ago) and after the fact I remember opening some bottle of hard liqour with a friend, but not yet drinking from it - after that, apparently, I blacked out. I was going crazy, trying to apologise for my actions, but no one was listening. So I started walking home - real fact, my friend lives like 200 yards from me and there used to be a police station on the way from my place to his - and suddenly started feeling drunk in my dream, even though the story-line didn't, at any point, include actual drinking. Of course, I was stopped by the police, asked to take a breathalyzer test and then I felt some serious panic. Then I woke up totally disoriented.
Sorry for the long post, I had to write this out and communicate it to someone
Will these nightmares pass? Is there some connection with early recovery (ca 2 months) and can I do something during wake hours to alleviate or try and avoid these occurrences? Would really appreciate if someone could point me to some literature or further reading on the topic.
Thank you
PS: I don't have any cravings while I'm awake or rarely think about me in some sort of connection with alcohol. This makes these nightmares especially horrifying for me :/