Evening all,
Well it is the end of day fifteen for me. Today I introduced a new aspect to my recovery regime - exercise. Being short and slim, I am not really suited to gym or weight training, so my exercise of choice has always been running. But more on this later in the post. First lets get the business end out of the way.
Physically, I am tired. I have been feeling the fatigue since about 13:30 this afternoon. I am not surprised by this as I am only sleeping between four and five hours a night on average. I just cant seem to get to bed any earlier as I am always busy with something, whether it is reading or checking the posts here on SR. My second headache of the day crept in around 21:00 this evening. I am pleased with this as the intervals between headaches are getting longer. It starts off mildly and slowly becomes unbearable until I am forced to take something for it. The appetite is still here. The numbness on the side of my face is still here and gets more noticeable the more tired I get. The hand shakes are still here, but barley perceptible.
Mentally, it has been a rather dull day for me. Most of the work I did today is mundane and repetitive. It really does not require much concentration at all. This allowed my mind to wander, which was not a good thing with my emotional state today.
Emotionally, it has not been a good day. I have been pretty much down in the dumps the whole day. I am getting the cold shoulder from my wife, which does not really help how I feel at the moment. This left me feeling a lot of self pity, anger and resentment during the day. It did not help that I started the day of dealing with one of the imbeciles that I work with. He just pissed me off so much, that the rest of my day was spent trying to recover my emotions to a better place. Alas, I was not that successful at it.
So, to come back to the exercise. I decided that I would start exercising again. Unfortunately I have not run in such a long time, it would be very ill advised to jump straight back into it. To give you an idea how long it has been - I took out my running iPod this evening. The last time I ran was in July 2009 - that was when I started dating my wife.
I know that in order for me to start running again, I have to start slowly. This means I have to strengthen the muscles that are used for running, but in the way that the motion is as close to running as possible. This means a lot of brisk walking. The area I live in is rather scenic once you get off the main roads. So the plan was to do a hours walking. As I set out the emotions kept flooding me. It was at this stage that I managed to keep my promise of this morning. Each time that I felt forlorn, or thought about the situation with my wife - I consciously forced myself to feel and enjoy the warmth of the sunlight on me. I forced these thoughts from my mind by taking in the scenery and smelling the plants. By the end of my exercise, I was not in such a dark place and most of the despair was gone. The route that I used took 54 minutes, but there is an extra bit that I can add on to get me in the ballpark of a full hour.
Tomorrow is supposed to be a rest day. This is to give the muscles time to recover and heal from the trauma of the exercise (especially important in long distance running). After todays session though, I am not sure if I can skip the exercise again. I should have introduced it earlier on in my sobriety, but we learn as we go on. The exercise has a calming effect on the emotions that are riding me at the moment. I know that I am going to have to deal with these emotions at some stage. I can honestly say that at this stage in my sobriety - I am not ready. I have no idea where to begin. I do know that each day that I am sober gives me more strength.
So this is where I find myself at the end of day fifteen. A new tool has been added to the toolbox.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers
ZAB