I had a chat on the phone with my uncle. He did AA a lot hit a hard bottom then drugs then again a lot of rehab stints. Hes mellowed out in his old age now he just hits a few cold ones in the man cave now and again. He helped me put it into perspective.
On the "god" thing i am a humanist druid. Part of how i got pissed at my friend is with my beleif system you cant surrender to it, it just isnt congruent. Its an energy thing, love the forest and nature and be attuned to it and it will give you the energy you need. Hard to describe and wont get into it in detail because its complicated but going for a walk thursday i felt i wanted to have a beer and enjoy the beautiful sunny day as it was the first warm day like that since the fall and i went for a powerwalk instead. Hit the forest parkway and my hair stood on end as i went through it on my way and again on the way back. Got home it was still sunny. No inclination to drink when i got back at all. Theres spirituality there but its not something compatible with the steps at all. I wont get into it it just isnt.
There is a smart meeting thursday, im going to check it out. As i said earlier in the thread when i get over this i i may use the aa meetings just for the peer support as the people are really nice and it is not a bad thing to meet more non drinking people. After over 10 years of daily sauce havent got many friends like that anymore.
Re meeting intensity yeah my uncle suggested i just say to these people thanks but no thanks. My friend whos pissed at me and the temporary sponsor were both pushing me to not skip a single day and to keep the momentum up. As im taking this seriously i was prone to following their advice, im only 13 days in and i know i dont know it all. My friend especially was terrified i would fall off the wagon maybe even straight out of rehab. I wasnt even close to that but i guess shes seen it. Heart in the right place but maybe would have been better if she asked more questions about how im feeling rather than assuming where im at. Uncle told me to go to the meetings on my own schedule. "its your program buddy" were his words.
Like Bmac says yes the christian bent to the big book and the program does get under my skin. Being an athiest you tend to get accosted by christians a lot growing up in a small town so maybe the feeling of being tricked or misled into what is basically a faith based program was what triggered my anger.
Those studies really bothered me too as aa is held up as the gold standard and with my friend telling me to skip the smart recovery class in my outpatient program because its anti aa (which i dont think it is) i think finding out the dismal success rate probably stoked the coals of my anger more. If it was a coin toss it probably wouldnt have bothered me as much as 1 in 20.
As for the question about me identifying as an alcoholic but considering whether i will try moderation in the future im a jumbled mess on what route i want to go at this point. Im not even going to try to.determine a decision on that until i have at least 30 under my belt and i have a bunch of fun rewarding non drinking activities in my life. No way i want to go back to coming home from work drinking hiballs until bed every day and if i even tried it until i have positive things to fill my life with i know id be right back for sure.
Im curious about the sinclair method though. It seems to have a very high success rate (80% drinking to nonabusive levels, 25% of that to abstinence - 5 times the absinence rate of aa). I just dont know if anyone will do it in my area. It doesnt work without the right kind of counselling, ill talk to the counsellor on wednesday about it see what they say.
Here like the us its pretty 12 step biased as i said we were forced to an aa/na/ca panel nightly right in the detox, and with all 12 steps come the god talk which is what got me into this funk in the first place.
Finally on the guilt yes you are right. I am not really one to dwell on guilt... But... These aa people have all been so nice to me, like the temporary sponsor and my friend and even the people who came uo and offered me their cell numbers, the group that gave me the welcome package with all the male members numbers. Coming out of detox facing the real world sober was scary, even scarier going to the first aa meeting alone. They have all been so kind. I hate to feel as though im rejecting someone who is offering to help me. I may sound like i rail on aa in this thread but its about the premise of the step program not the people.
Ok this response is long enough for now trying to answer everyone . Thanks again for your quick responses today was a tough day and its getting better. Despite a few spikes in the fk its i have managed to keep my powder dry and not go out and buy any booze. In just over an hour the liquor store shuts down and tomorrow will be a new day - my first 2 weeks sober in probably close to 20 years starts in the morning.