paintballguy

Hi

Im a newly recovering alcoholic. Tomorrow will be day 14 sober for me. In detox the aa people came through and did a panel, they said not to worry about the god part of the 12 steps that i could use a doorknob if i wanted to i just had to.choose a higher power.

Ditto for a few friends who were in aa. I filled out a form in the detox and ditto fr him.

I went to my first aa meeting right out of detox and the fellow there was kind enough to loan me a big book. I took everyones advice and went to a meeting almost every day, even after i had spent 8 hours at my detoxes outpatient program, despite that i was getting burned out of.recovery stuff. They all told me to keep up the momentum.

The guy aa referred to me also started suggesting that i start going to lunchtime meetings too, but i was like no thats too much. I do 7-9 hours of outpatient stuff per week plus it takes 2 hours to attend an evening meeting including travel time.

I met some kind people who reached out to me at some of the meetungs (i found everyone to be nice people) and talked to.a few on the phone.

I found that all these people did was attend meetings. People sober for as many as 20 years still going to.daily meetings, people who all they really do is go to meetings and talk to their sponsor. By and large they all seemed pretty miserable especially given how long some of them were sober for it seemed like a crappy deal to give up alcohol and spend so much time on aa things on a daily basis.

But i was determined to give it an honest try.

I read the whole big book and i am very disheartned and feel betrayed by all of them. Aa reads and acts more like a religion trusting in blind faith in god to sort you out than a treatment program. For those who beleive in god maybe this is just fine but it sure isnt going to work for me.

I always looked at a life post daily drinking as one where i fill my life with more positive things to fill my time, not one where i put blind faith in something and hope for the best and going to meeting.after meeting after meeting talking about alcohol.

I told my friend that i wasnt going to go past step one for this.reason and i wouod only use aa for peer support because it seems to work for that because it is so accessible. She got very angry and tried.to convince me and hit a brick wall. We had an argument and now she wont even talk to me because i refused to buy into what is basically a religion.

I know there are other alternatives out there and i will find them. I have an appointment with an addictions counsellor in a couple of days and i am still enrolled in my outpatient program.

Its just that i am so angry and feel so betrayed. I put faith in AA that it was actually a treatment program and that the god stuff was just a small minor part of it, people can say what they like but god is mentioned in nearly every paragraph in the big book. The steps and the program are useless if you arent willing to abide by step three and put your faith in a higher power (god). Ghe only step that mentions alcohol or drinking is step 1.

Making matters worse i gave serious thought to maybe just giving in and trying the god crap so i went looking for efficacy data and learned that aa has a lower success rate than no treatment at all which made me feel even more angry and betrayed. Why is this program touted as the gold standard when its success rate is negative!!!

Right now i am so angry and dissilusioned i cant even bring myself to go to a meeting for peer support, i dont want to talk to any.of the people in aa about my anger because i dont want to lose any more sober friends - and i am so upset that i have a major case of the fk its right now i want to just go buy some booze drink it and not drink tomorrow just to show aa that i wont go on a bender if i have a couple drinks (i was never a bender drinker).

I will.caveat this post and say yes i know aa works for some people and some people enjoy it. The people there are quite nice and i dont think they want.to do anything.other than help.people. I may be railing against aa in this post but im not saying it shouldnt exist but i am just angry that i went for a peer support program and i basically got a faith based healing program, if it was advertised as such i would not have even wasted the 20 hours ive spent on it over past week.

Out of respect i am loathe to talk to anyone in aa or who feels it worked for them about my frustration and the research i found showing its low success rate because if its working for them they should continue doing it.

I am just really upset right now because i feel baited and switched by many people and people who havent had a problem with alcohol would never understand and the people i reached out to for support are all aa or.ex aa people.

Im on day 13 and want to make it to day 14 and beyond. While i beleive drinking in moderation is possible in my future i am way to early in recovery to.even consider such a thing or even if i should choose that in the future.

So please dont come back with a pro AA bash, i am a humanist druid and the higher power / god thing is just not compatible for me at all. If AA is working for you i wish you all the best.