I haven't been angry at my STBXAH in ages. It's like I'm on my honeymoon. Only this time there's no drunken husband to worry about.
It took a lot of work to get here. I had to make a conscious choice to not be angry with him all the time. Anger and resentment feel like rot to me. I'm not the kind of person who can channel it into productivity. I just rot from the inside, so I needed to let it go.
First, I held onto the fact that I had married him for good reason. He had, and still has, qualities that I admire. My marriage was a tragedy, but it wasn't a sham, and I didn't want to have to go thru the rest of my life trying to avoid looking back at the past 23 years.
I opened my eyes to my own culpabilities. Our problems weren't 100% him, 0% me. It was 98% him, 2% me. Fully owning my itty bitty little 2% went a long way toward forgiving his 98%.
I let my daughter handle her issues with him as best she can. My role is to be her advocate in regards to him. Less and less as she gets older. The point, as I see it, is to guide her towards a positive adult relationship with a less than perfect father. It's an attitude adjustment that works for me. When he does something stupid I try not to take it personally. I just observe and advise.
I tell myself he's sick. Constantly. I don't ever expect anything from him, that way when he comes through I'm pleasantly surprised.
But like I said, for me not being angry was a conscious choice.