I just had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen for some time. She has tomorrow off so she asked me if I would mind if she had a glass of wine? I said no, not at all. She ended up having three, while I had a dessert and coffee. Anyway we had a frank discussion. She told me she worries sometimes about herself as well, she wouldn't be drinking at all if she had work tomorrow, and she doesn't keep alcohol in her house. She also spoke about another friend of ours, whose mother died last year. She has given up alcohol completely as she was afraid she would end up going down this road...
Anyway she told me that she thought my alcoholism was not the root of my problems. The root of my problems is my social anxiety. I would have to agree, but I thought I was getting better. At my last meeting one of the women said to me "you are doing great. You have started looking at people in the eyes when you are speaking to them. You are so brave and we are all so proud of you".
I had a lovely time with my friend, and the food was excellent, but I feel a bit deflated, or something. I am sitting here re-reading one of my favourites:
'She Let Go' - a poem by Rev. Safire Rose
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore".
I am sorry for your troubles Ruby2 xx