At my bottom
Warning- the following post is long and full of self pity and whining. I am at my bottom and can’t find my way out.
I have not been here much lately as I really do not know where my head is at. I feel so bad that I have nothing to give. I am writing this on a word document so that it will maybe make some sense by the time I go through and edit it.
Things are so out of control for me that I don’t know what to do. How do I make things better?
A little background here, as usual. I met my husband almost 16 years ago. I was 25, good job, OK self esteem. He was in the marines, and planning to go home to Illinois when he got out. Due to other things, I decided to move to IL from PA. My roommate was getting married, my family were all starting families, and I was able to get a job transfer.
Sure, he drank a lot , but I also liked to go out and party. After 4 years, we got married and I got pregnant immediately, with twins. He would still go out and sometimes I did also, although I did not drink. Then I started having pre term labor and was put on bed rest. He continued to go out, and was free of constraints. The partying got worse, all nighters were common. This is the time that I realized there was a problem. Of course, I would yell and scream and pout about what a jerk he was, etc etc.
The babies were born and the drinking continued unabated. After 1 ½ years, I moved back to PA, with the kids. He followed and took care of the kids for about a year. He then went back to IL. It was supposed to be temporary but turned out to be over a year. He did send money, but that all went to day care for 2 toddlers. I was struggling and having problems with my job. Due to performance, I was offered a buyout. I took it and moved back to IL.
Right now, my self esteem is in the negatives. I have since had trouble with 2 other jobs and am now currently underemployed and making barely any money. I feel so worthless that I do not think I am worth any better. I hate myself. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act. I hate everything about myself. For some odd reason, I was responsible for family finances and I suck at it. We are in serious financial trouble. I t wasn’t so bad when I had a decent job and could get things taken care of, but now it is a crisis. And do I discuss this with husband? Nope. He knows that I am not good at it, but also prefers to not acknowledge it, either.
In the detachment part of it, I have detached so much that I really don’t care about anything. Except my kids. I know I can’t control my husband, but I have gone so far in the opposite direction that I feel I can’t control anything at all. However, I am so powerless now, that I don’t know what to do.
How do I get back on track? WHAT is back on track?
This is what I want– I want to get a good job. But what? I just can’t go back to my former field. How can I find out what I want to do with my life? I am 41 years old and have nothing. We rent, we have 1 car and that is old and will likely die soon. I am financially dependant on my husband now, and that scares me. He does contribute more to the household than he did before, but he does spend a lot of money on himself only. Last week I came across a pay stub of his, and he makes more than I knew about. Plus, he can work a lot of overtime. We should be doing better than we are, I am so stressed out that I can’t even think clearly.
I had always thought of marriage as being a team. That a couple works together to make things good. I learned early on that we are not a team. His drinking and drinking buddies are more important than anything else. We spend no time together, just us. He saves it all for the bar and his buddies. When he is home, he sleeps it off. Everything fell on me, and continues to this day. I am cracking under the pressure. I have so much guilt and fear about everything ,because I have failed. I am a failure at everything.
I have tried talking to him before. I have begged him for help. I don’t bother anymore, as I have said it so many times.
What are my options? I can’t leave him as there is nowhere for me and the kids to go. And he is not a bad person- just incredibly self centered and selfish. But I have contributed to that also. I need to get my self respect back but have no clue how to do that.
I know that this post is long and rambling, but that is how I feel right now. My mind is in such a bad place. I am in tears writing all of this.
1 positive thing I have done is contact my counselor. I have not seen her in a while and hope she can take me back. Today is her day off, so I likely will not hear until tomorrow.